Hello 2012

January 26th, 2012

Things seem to be really picking up both for myself personally and for the industry, and that makes me very happy. More on career developments to come in another post.

The following started out as a note on my Facebook but I wanted to share it here too, because it is something VERY important to me…

Since being in an amazing, loving, nurturing relationship where I am positively supported and cherished… well, it’s hard to look back on where I was a year ago. It frightens me that I – a smart, strong woman – would allow myself and others to gaslight and downplay the abusive relationship I was in such that I stayed in it for a more than a year after the first signs of domestic violence.

It frightens me that after having grown up with an abusive step-parent, that I could rationalize AT ALL someone physically choking me as being “all right”, that “he didn’t really mean it.” That for too many months again, I stayed silent and made excuses about the choking and about a later incident that resulted in 15 stitches in my arm. I didn’t want to cause drama, I didn’t want people to take sides – I just wanted space to start healing when I finally woke up to the hell I was in. It’s hard to make any sort of rational decision or movement when you’re in the middle of an emotional Holocaust.

So, I bent over backwards to accommodate people who claimed to be friends, who claimed to be “acting in my best interests” and who “wanted the best for me.” I was made to retract and apologize for coming forward about the abuse, for bringing it up. I was given so many strings of bad advice: that I should try to work it out with him, that I was over-reacting to the whole situation, that it was “my fault” somehow… essentially, that I was the bad guy, the one to blame.

Oh, the blame. It came from my abusive ex, and it came from his friends… you know, the ones claiming to be “mutual friends.” In this sort of situation, there cannot be mutual friends. By choosing not to choose, you’ve ultimately made your choice. The real problem is that it was so easy to buy into the “my fault” theory for so long, that I was somehow not good enough and that I’d intrinsically failed somehow; had I been “better” none of this would’ve happened.

Women, men, everyone – that is BULLSHIT. Abuse in any form is never the fault of the person being abused. I don’t like the word “victim”. Victim implies helplessness, and while there may be a learned helplessness akin to a frog in boiling water… you need to realize that you CAN get out. That it is NOT your fault. It is NEVER alright for a person to emotionally or physically bully and abuse another person, and it is most certainly not due to any lack on the part of the person being abused.

Being in an abusive relationship seriously erodes your sense of self, and of self-worth. In some cases, no physical harm is ever done, but it does not mean that the relationship is not abusive, or that there are no lasting implications. If you don’t nip abuse in the bud, it’s a slippery slope downhill. The first time has to be the last time, period. No justifications, no letting off the hook. If you have the capacity to forgive then do so, but don’t ever forget. And write it down somewhere. Report it. Don’t sweep it under the rug.

It’s so easy to convince yourself that the abuser is “not that bad”, that “s/he didn’t mean to hurt me”, that “it was a one-time thing.” These are all things I’ve said to myself… as someone who logically, rationally knows the signs of abuse, it took a serious injury to jar the irrational side of my brain that pled “but he loves you” into realizing that nobody who truly, legitimately loves you would intentionally cause you harm and then have the gall to blame you for their own choices and actions.

I lived in profound unhappiness for months. I had a justification for almost everything he did that hurt me. And there were plenty of times where my abusive ex was nice, even seemingly caring and sweet. He paid for the occasional dinner or share of groceries. He put on a great face of “I’m the fun, carefree guy” in public – it’s a surprisingly common trait for abusers to be able to do so, to convince the outside world that they’re not the one to blame in the relationship. Not that healthy relationships need someone to blame or be a victim. (It’s hard to remember that when you’re in the middle of something irrational and harmful.)

Ultimately, all of those “nice” times did not excuse or make up for the way he treated me as an inferior, for the way he refused to meet needs I presented to him. For the way he went extra steps to mock me or make me unhappy when he knew things bothered me. For the way he continually dismissed my feelings or got angry any time I had an opinion that differed from his own. For the times he abandoned or hurt me in his fits of temper.

My abusive ex would always get the most angry at me when I stood up for myself. When I voiced my wants, my needs, when I dared to express and press forward with an interest, opinion, or course of action that he disagreed with or that inconvenienced him somehow. As I’m discovering, rational, mature couples can talk about their differences of opinion without it being a screaming match and without one party storming out.

I even see it now in photos, the blatant disregard he has for anything but himself and his wants. There was never any love in his eyes when he looked at me, just a disdain and an unhappiness. Unfortunately, some people are like that – and more unfortunate are the ones who will harm others to make themselves feel better or to get what they want from them. I’ve learned to feel pity for them – but it DOES NOT excuse their behaviour.

The growth that I’ve experienced in the last year is like the change from a caterpillar to a moth; a metamorphosis still in progress. For the most part, I am ecstatically happy again. I find joy in the smallest every day things, I feel loved and cherished by friends and family and my partner. I’ve accomplished a lot, personally and professionally.

Conversely, I still doubt myself from time to time – why I’m here on this planet at all, if what I’m doing is good enough, if I’m liked and respected for what I do. What, if any, value should I place on my time and my work. If I’m pretty or thin or charming enough, or why not. I hate to be so callous, but at the end of the day others’ opinions shouldn’t mean a damned thing – especially if they’re bringing you down instead of uplifting you.

Why am I thinking about all this now? Because, unfortunately, there is still unresolved bullshit that needs to be dealt with from this abusive relationship, and I am in the middle of some of it. So all of this is front and centre in my mind. I don’t generally like to get this personal or this detailed about my own life – but I want others to hear my voice.

Ultimately, I want others to know this: that you are not alone. That you are never so far in that you can’t get out. That anyone who doesn’t have YOUR happiness, safety and comfort first and foremost as a priority is not someone you should be associating with. Life does go on after leaving an abusive relationship, and it gets so much better. You deserve better.

I want to say this in closing: re-learn to recognize if you are in an unsafe situation. If you’re in a relationship with an abuser, GET OUT. Don’t wait. Report everything to the authorities and keep reporting until someone listens to you. You won’t regret having everything clearly documented, trust me.

My biggest problem is that I downplayed and I waited. I put someone else’s reputation and happiness above my own needs and mental state. Because I loved my ex, because I didn’t want to see him go to jail I didn’t immediately call the police when he physically attacked me. I intensely regret this choice now because it has caused me so much more heartache, stress, and time in court (to say the least.)

Feel free to pass this note around. I hope my experiences and heartfelt words are enough to save someone else in a similar situation.

For more information on domestic violence, visit: http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

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On Group Mind and Groupthink

December 19th, 2011

This past weekend, I just fininshed an amazing improv class at ITC about ‘working as a group’ – that is, honing our ability to participate with a group mind. We had a great instructor and the class was full of awesome, positive, supportive people who I’d work with in a heartbeat any day at any performance venture. And again, in my world, art often imitates liefe.

Group mind is all about drinking each other in, drinking the koolaid – as they say – and working as a cohesive whole to create something awesome. The energy and synchronicity that comes out of being part of a group working together feels SO positive and comfortable. Group mind is all about ACTIVELY analyzing, listening and supporting one another, with everyone playing an equal part in creation but knowing when to go with the ebb and flow. Watching groups work together in this way is magical.

What makes groups who work together with a group mind (whether it’s in the office, on a film, on stage for improv in a writhing mass of people… wherever…) successful is a combination of things. First off, everyone in the group is actively engaged, actively listening to and observing others, and actively participating – which means they have just as much chance as anyone else to steer the group in a new direction and contribute to the overall endeavour. Also, a critical component of a successful group mind is that there is NO negativity and judgment of other group members, or for that matter, those outside the group. Everything is accepted and most importantly immediately supported, all within a safe environment. That’s what allows trust and that’s what lets the magic happen.

Something I’ve been thinking a lot lately about is the functional opposite of group mind – groupthink. (For those curious about what groupthink entails, the Wikipedia article is pretty decent.) I’ve been part of groups that have utilized groupthink – without realizing just what was going on – and the results are not nearly as positive. In fact, I would venture to say that groupthink is highly DESTRUCTIVE.

Here’s how groupthink effectively differentiates from group mind: everyone is NOT an equally valued individual engaging in active participating and listening. People are pressured to be uniform – usually based on aspirations of the group leader – and silence is seen as consent towards the group’s actions. Anyone other than the leader who dares to stir change is often seen as “disloyal”; unlike group mind which is ONLY about members of the group, those falling victim to groupthink are also led to see people outside of the group as outsiders – and often, therefore, wrong. Absolute pure morality of those with groupthink is never questioned – the group is assumed to be “right”, always.

Of the two, I know which I prefer.

I’ve spent a lot of time observing people lately, and contemplating my own past and present actions in a variety of situations. I’ve also spent a lot of time talking with people I trust… and of the groups I’ve been present in – one using group mind and the other being highly partial to groupthink – I’ve made some highly telling observations. In the former group, we’ve had some brilliant discussions. What I’ve seen that is perhaps most telling is an overall lack of overwhelming negativity. Certainly, there’s things that bother us and we discuss them, but one telltale characteristic is an ability to separate dislike of a person’s action from dislike of the person themselves. In the groupthink group, I’ve seen hatred of a person (usually a previous group member) snowball from one small act that went against ‘what the group wanted.’ And that’s happened a little too often for my liking.

There’s a culture of underlying trust, of “I’ve got your back”, of “take that risk and we’ll support you” in the group with group mind. There’s not nearly the same level of judgment that is present in the community that fell prey to groupthink. In the latter, personal risks and choices to make bold moves were rarely acceptable; if you did something too ‘out there’ or if you told the wrong person the wrong thing you could guarantee that the group would turn on you, usually after you were backstabbed by another group member.

From observing people for so long, I get why people fall into groupthink. I honestly don’t blame them for it; it’s something I’ve succumbed to as well. The important thing is to realize when you ARE being inherently destructive – of yourself, of another person – and to be able to safely pull back from the group. It takes a strong person to call themselves or someone else on their faults, but it takes an even stronger person to own their faults and move on from them.

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On Bullying.

December 7th, 2011

I’m seeing a lot of propaganda, postings, Twitters, blogs, etc about bullying lately. Some are insightful, some are hate campaigns in disguise, some are shocking sensationalsim, some of them mean well but are not progessive… The bottom line is you have to critically evaluate everything you read on the internet for it to be useful. Taking something at face value that may or may not be factual is dangerous to say the least.

I think we can all agree that we want to find *constructive* ways to make our and future generations more adept at dealing with and minimalizing both the impact bullies have on society, in the classroom, etc, and we want to see a reduction in bullying that happens. Anywhere. To anyone. Period.

Here’s the thing – I am an actor. I am a student of life. I observe the way people act, react, and interact. It’s crucial to my art to be able to understand and feel and express emotions – the whole spectrum, all the good and the bad. In elementary and high school, there were occasions where I was bullied. I still remember my “best friend” in Grade Two leading me with my eyes closed (because I trusted her!) through a pile of dog crap. In high school, there were spitballs and gum in my hair, people making fun of the way I dressed and the beliefs I had. (You try being a bisexual pagan teenager figuring out her identity in a small town – not easy to say the least!) Even in the core group of friends I had leaving high school, we had in-fighting from time to time. All of these women have grown up to be exceptional, kind, generous, beautiful people I am still happy to call friends, may I add.

The bottom line is that I know how it feels to be bullied. It’s not a feeling I want to have, and it’s not a feeling I want to cause others to have, either. However, fairly recently I let ‘love’ and hushed nasty gossip blind me to the hate campaign I was being encouraged on towards another woman. When I finally came to my senses I apologized to her for my actions. Not for any cookies on this end, but because what I and others had been engaging in was wrong, period. I can’t speak for them but I could at least speak for myself and acknowledge my own poor choice of actions. I let myself be blinded by groupthink, by the hate and superiority I was told it was okay to feel toward this person, rather than getting to know her at all and judging her on my own interactions with her.

Again, as an actor, ultimately my job is to move others, to inspire them, to provide them with a sense of catharsis. In my own daily interactions, I much prefer to build up and support other people, not tear them down and spread needless hate around. Hate begets hate – that’s a hard lesson to learn, but it’s why I try very hard not to return the unnecessary anger, lies, and betrayals that come my way from time to time. You can disagree or be upset with someone’s choice of action without hating the person doing the action. With all the people that have hurt me over time, I do not hate them. I am not after ‘vengeance’. But I have felt hurt and I am disappointed with what these people have done to hurt me, especially when those things are done intentionally and maliciously. Have I mentioned that as an actor, I’m probably also overly sensitive? Yeah. I cry at those stupid commercials with sad kittens.

There are a lot of things we can do to shrink the power of bullies. For one, always being responsible for our own actions and leading by example – teaching children to think for themselves from an early age, rather than go along with what the group is doing just because it’s ‘cool.’ Teach them to have the courage to stand up to the group when they don’t agree with what’s going on. The more people who will speak out when something is wrong, the less wrong that will be tolerated. Commend leadership instead of criticizing those who dare to be different.

As I mentioned above, you also need to separate the action from the person. Calling someone a bully – especially young, vulnerable minds – is just as harmful a name as fat, ugly, stupid, slow, etc. The same with labelling someone a victim. Even adults are far too quick to ascribe one overall characteristic to someone, sometimes. “Oh, well, if I’m a bully, then I guess everyone’s going to hate me anyway and why should I be nice to them?” People take on the labels and identities they are given by others, whether or not either party realizes it.

Thirdly, you can find alternate ways to respond to hatred when it is directed toward you. People who harm and seek to control others (through mental, verbal, physical, etc tactics) usually do so because of a perceived lack or hole in their own life. You can hold someone accountable for their actions without using blame and without raising your voice, both of which also serve to increase anger and hostility. There is also a fine line between forgiveness and allowing something to happen more than once. Some questions I find effective at reducing blind hatred and rage are “What’s really bothering you?” “Why are you directing your anger at me?” “Why are you hurting?” It may take some time for the angry person to come around, but by challening their core rather than responding to their outward bluster, you are more likely to effect change rather than compound their hostility.

Creating a culture of true equality and inclusion will also minimize the emergence of bullies. This one is a harder task than the ones prior – and those are not often easy feats – but when people feel they are valued equally and not in competition for affection/benefits/what-have-you, they will be less likely to want to cause discord to get what they feel are missing. If something’s not made out to be a big deal, other people won’t consider it a big deal – but the stronger the reaction or struggle, the more magnitude it will gain.

With regards to victimization: again, it’s the repeating of jargon that makes someone believe what they hear – telling someone they are a victim enough times will be sure to have them feeling perpetually targetted by life. If you tell someone that they are stronger and wiser despite their pain, that label will stick just as well as if you tell them they were victimized. Personally, I feel that I am a product of my past experiences, NOT a victim, despite the upsetting things I have undergone. These experiences have made me stronger, wiser, less tolerant of injustices, and more willing to speak out on behalf of myself and others when I know people are being wronged. I catch a lot of flack for being so verbose, sometimes, but I am doing what I feel is ultimately right.

People who go through being bullied, abused, etc should be given the freedom to discuss their experiences in a non-judgmental environment. They should be given the freedom to express their feelings without being told that they are wrong, overreacting, lying, exaggerating, and without demands put on them for the things they “should” do now. If someone has been physically threatened, for example, they should be reminded that they have the option to report said person to law enforcement if they so desire. They should not be made to go, but by the same token their experience should not be trivialized so that they end up not reporting the person, who may go on to do further damage to them or others. When feelings are judged, people are going to carry the trauma with them longer than if they are allowed to express themselves and work through what they are feeling.

A little extra tolerance and kindness for those who are struggling with bullies never hurts, either. It may be frustrating for any number of reasons to see a friend or loved one go through pain, but when you stress them further about the situation “What are you going to do?” “I think you should report them!” “I don’t believe you.” “You’re exaggerating.” “Don’t let this impact your homework!”, you are going to make things worse for them instead of better.

By the same token a zero-tolerance approach for bullying is needed, which includes both consequences for the person doing the bullying AND an attempt to figure out the cause of the person’s hurtful behaviour. In schools, instead of a time-out, how about missing out on a day or two of their club or sports team, and talking with a guidance counselor instead?

The important part is that the person causing the hurt must realize the consequence is directly related to their action – which also means that those receiving the consequences must be given agency. That is, if they change their behaviour for the better (or say, sincerely apologize for their actions), they won’t have to serve their entire punishment. But if they let the behaviour happen again, the punishment is worse next time. They need to be given a limited amount of trust, and be allowed to rebuild what they have broken without undue further judgment. They also need to not be ostracized for life for one action – none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes.

So why am I writing this all? I guess it’s because recent events really have me thinking – about how to make the world better, about how to make myself a better person, about how to have better relationships with others. Certain recent events and the way they were handled have really upset me, but in that situation I do not have the agency to control anyone’s reactions but my own.

All I know is that I want to see things get better, not worse, and I’m willing to do my part to make it so.

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If you have art in your blood, you’ll see Red.

December 4th, 2011

Over the weekend, I was fortunate enough to see Canstage’s production of the Tony Award-winning play Red.

Red is powerful, poignant, brutally in-your-face honest, and at times touchingly funny. Red is a 90 minute thrill ride of intensity, of relevant and cutting social and artistic commentary. Red is about Mark Rothko, an abstract painter I admittedly knew very little about, prior to going into the show – but I came out wanting to spend days or weeks with him.

Like many artists, Rothko was a troubled soul – in real life, he went on to commit suicide in 1970 like so many other brilliant creative minds. Red dramatizes his creation of a set of paintings for the Seagram building. Set in a somewhat stylized version of his New York studio, the set is exactly as it needs to be. The lighting choices are brilliant and well-executed. Canstage makes wonderful use of new media projections to guide the scene changes. My only gripe is the near-constant soundtrack to the play, unfortunately designed by Andy Creegan of Barenaked Ladies fame. It’s too overtly discordian, hammering home a message not hard to understand.

Ultimately, Red asks “How does that make you feel?” It talks about how we need to go beyond ‘nice’ and ‘like’ and ‘great’ – a very timely message considering how easy and superficial it is to “like” our friends now on Facebook. The connective disconnect, that people spend more time interacting online than they do face to face, that people spend more time buried in distractions and listening to idle gossip than they do to constructively criticizing what they hear and what sort of reaction it stirs in them. And of course, too, Red raises questions about the nature of art itself – what it is or isn’t, how it’s to be made, and what does it stir up in your subconscious. Disquieting art is better than paintings that say nothing. And according to Rothko, “there is no such thing as a good painting about nothing.”

The two actors carrying the show (Jim Mezon and David Coomber) are brilliant as master and protege. At the start, the acting admittedly felt a bit stilted, but quickly evolved into a very watchable battle of wits, egos, and energies. Red shows the fine line between a blustery outward personality and a fragile soul that feels more than it knows how to acknowledge. Perhaps one of the most enjoyable scenes in the play was watching the two men paint together in Rothko’s style – as an actor, seeing what additional training actors study to prepare for a role is always a joy.

Most importantly, Red encourages the audience to think and feel – a reaction not always present when experiencing art. Admittedly, I spent the better part of the last third of the play with a lump in my throat… which to me is a sign of good theatre. Art is meant to move you. Art is meant to challenge you. Red does both.

As for what Red made me feel? Personally, I related to a lot of what Rothko had to say. I feel like I want to become a verbose, irate old man painter when I grow up. If you have art in your blood, you’ll see Red.

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“The Fandom Project” – Call For Submissions

December 1st, 2011

Hey all. Long story short I’ve decided to write a book. Well, write’s not exactly the right word – more like curate. Collect. Co-create. Or, anthropologically archive, if you will. (I adore alliteration.)

What I’m looking for are your stories from fandom. In brightest day, in darkest night – the best and/or worst experiences you’ve had, in whatever fandom you participate in. Maybe you met some of your best friends, maybe your life-partner. Maybe someone broke your heart. Something you discovered changed your life in ways you’d never expected. Whatever it is, I want to hear – read – your life experiences.

My goal is to get this published by a major publishing house, and to pay a percentage of royalties to all accepted authors. I’ve already got some interest, and wanted to open this up to the many others of you I know (and hopefully many more who I don’t) who have their own stories to tell. Please feel free to spread this post around – I am open to submissions from anywhere in the world. Think of this as Chicken Soup for the Fannish Soul, if you will.

Submission Guidelines and FAQ: All submissions should be sent to thefandomproject at emilyschooley dot com no later than January 31st 2012. Please include the title of the piece, as well as whatever real or nom-de-plume you wish to be published under. If you absolutely can’t make that deadline but want to participate (or just have general questions), feel free to contact me there any time.

Do you need to be a previously published author?: No. Though I am also reaching this campaign out to previously-published authors, I welcome and encourage all submissions from anyone, anywhere.

What’s your selection criteria?: The number of stories that will be ultimately accepted will depend on how many total submissions I receive. I would like to publish at least 75, with no more than 25 of those from previously-published authors.

What format? Word count? What should I write about?: What I want is non-fiction prose. All that matters is that it’s a true story, something that happened to you, and relates to your experiences in fandom. It can be as hilarious or as heartbreaking as you want it to be. Try to keep it under 5000 words.

I’m looking forward to this – it’s gonna be awesome! And you bet there will be blog updates a-plenty as this rolls along.

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A Sense of Satisfaction…

November 1st, 2011

This month has been all about finishing projects, the start of very exciting new opportunites and the continuation of some battles that are apparently not over yet. One highlight included being a part of a documentary on scream queens – very apt for the season!

Halloween is my absolute favourite-ever holiday, and my sweetie and I went as Mulder and Scully from the X-Files:

Halloween fun

Pretty dead-on, no? The X-files is a show that I grew up with, and to be honest, a role like Gillian Anderson had is pretty much my dream role as an actor. A strong, smart woman in a long-running TV series… yeah. Scully was sexy, but she certainly wasn’t what I call “attractive cardboard.” That is, characters/actors who have very little substance and very little performance, other than being cast on and relying on their looks to carry the show or film. I’d rather play the smart girl than the hot girl any day, though I’ve played both many times over and women like Gillian Anderson prove that you can pull off both at once. Anyway. I could rant about that forever (screw you, bizzare Hollywood ideals…) but…

Secondly, as I mentioned in my last post, I had TWO films that premiered here in Toronto this month. First up was Stiffs on the Green (over Thanksgiving weekend), and Black Eve, this past weekend. They both screened at the Toronto Underground, and we had some kickass afterparties:

film premiere

That’s me with Mila Starr and Kassandra Santos from Black Eve, two very lovely ladies who I’d work with any time again in a heartbeat. Kassandra’s a super-talented actress, and Mila designed the wardrobe for the film AND has an awesome band who I’ve danced for a few times.

I am also now wrapped on One Week in Windchocombe, which is kind of a bittersweet thing for me. On one hand, this film has been more physically and emotionally demanding than anything else I’ve ever done (including numerous reshoots, volatile temperatures, and some Very Dark Mental Places), but on the other hand… I don’t feel done yet. It just hasn’t sunk in. And like all good films, this won’t be finished for months and months and so I will have to wait to see the finished project when it’s finally all together. (I do have a new project in the works with our amazing director… but more on that when we actually start shooting.)

Ivette and Ariel

Unfortunately, in less fun news, the scam artist (from last year) James Donman is back, and is now actively trying to sue me for $20 000.00. Yes, it’s ridiculous to say the least, but I’ll save the hows and whys for what I need to present in court. In the meantime, I hope you all stay aware that creeps like this do exist in the entertainment industry, and they live to prey on the young, vulnerable dreamers who are hungry to work and to create success for themselves. It makes me mad – not just for myself but for every other actor out there – that people like this exist. Please share that article and make people aware of him, so he can’t continue to terrify talented young people. (If you want more history, click on my un-professionals tag.) So yeah, among everything else I have to deal with Donman and it kind of sucks, but I’m not letting it slow me down.

Up next for me is a stage play called The Other Side of the Rhyme, on stage at the Russian Canadian Theatre Centre (48 Alness Rd) that runs November 17th – 19th. Check out the facebook event link, or buy tickets online at our online ticketing store. It’s a quirky, irreverent, and fun one-act comedy that you won’t want to miss… set in the land of Nursery, it sheds light on the naughty truths behind our ‘innocent’ nursery rhyme stories we know and love.

Last but not least, I am in pre-production for a new feature film, Aequitas.

Justice is not blind

I am looking forward to getting going on this project, but most importantly, it is currently raising funds on Indiegogo so that we can have the best production possible. Any sort of contribution is appreciated, and I’d love for all friends and fans to help spread the word, even if you can’t afford to contribute.

… And, I do have other life news, but have spent too long already on this blog update, so that’ll have to wait for next time!

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My awesome busy-ness, let me show you it…

October 14th, 2011

Things have been good lately. Busy, but good. I did a guest spot on an internet TV show, have TWO films screening this month, a play coming up next month, plus my usual improv and life-stuff. For starters, I think I mentioned the handsome and super-talented musician I started seeing a few months back. Well, we’re looking at getting a condo together, so that is pretty darn exciting! Also exciting is that my episoide of Being Erica aired recently:

erica

That would be me on the left there. Oh yes.

Anyway. If you want to see me in action soon, I would love to sell you tickets to The Other Side of the Rhyme. This is a hilarious one-act play… and I will be on stage in a fur bikini at one point. Need I say more? If you catch me in person, tickets are just $10, or you can buy them in advance through Brown Paper Tickets, but they’re a little bit more. The show almost sold out last year at its premiere – and now that it’s getting its Toronto premiere, I wouldn’t expect much less. So get tickets soon, and come see me strut and fret upon the stage!

Secondly, production is gearing up for my new feature film, which is going under the working title Aequitas. I am playing the lead character in this and would love to get paid well for my work – it’s gonna be gruelling and brutal – so if you have a few spare bucks (or more), we’d love for you to support our film through our IndieGoGo campaign. I know how amazing this film is going to be when it’s done, and I’d love for as many people as possible to be a part of it.

Lastly, in more good news, I recently signed on with The Porter Group, and am pleased as punch to be represented by Stephanie Porter. She’s a great lady, and fingers crossed for many good things coming out of this new partnership.

Errands to run and my birthday party tomorrow… I miss and love all of you!

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Speak Geek – Hacking

September 12th, 2011

Let me preface this post by saying that I am a ridiculous polymath. For new readers to my blog, in most of the other posts you will find various and sundry tales of my life as an actor. It’s the main “thing” I do, and it’s something I’m pretty damn passionate about. There may even be a geek-out post about that down the road… I have a LOT of interests, though. I’m also pretty big into urban exploration, photography, books, painting, sports, cooking, sewing, programming, traveling, writing, even project management… My biggest problem is that I sadly need a few hours of sleep a night in order to Get Shit Done, and there’s no way to do all of these AND pursue an acting career (or any career, really) all at once.

In subsequent posts, I’ll get to some of those other lovely shiny things, I promise. But for today, I want to talk about one of my favourite hobbies – hacking.

Now, when I say that I am a hacker, it doesn’t mean that I am going to sneak into your email, delete your precious website and replace it with pr0n, steal money from your bank account, or any of those tropes that uneducated folks would want you to believe. Could I do any of the above? In theory, yes… But I lack the inclination to try, not to mention that my strongest hacking skills aren’t necessarily computer-related.

Most hackers aren’t sociopaths who live in their parents’ basements and try to embezzle money or Anonymous the frack out of various websites. Most of us are actually pretty shiny people who want to figure out better and new ways of doing things that will improve ours and others’ lives. For me, my main passion is actually neurohacking. Yep, making little adjustments here and there – in my own brain – to improve my own life.

And I am my own guinea pig. Baa. Moo. (Or whatever noise they actually make.) My interest in neurohacking started a couple of years ago, though in all honesty I’ve only been pursuing it seriously since earlier this year. As a creative person (who, may I add, came from an unstable childhood and an abusive relationship or two) my brain is what I would consider differently-functioning. In all truth, I would be highly surprised to learn that I did not have what is known as the criminal brain (for more on that, read this post), not to mention the potential of one of several mood disorders. However, I have no intention of letting a doctor affix a label to me and hand me a pile of pills – among other forays into neurohacking what I’ve done is learn to balance my own mental state to keep from falling into deep depressions/becoming a monster/any number of ways I could fall off the track and fall away from my career and my friends.

A lot of it is little things. An ice pack on the back of my neck can start regrounding me after a panic attack. Focusing on my breath – just breathing in and out – can calm me and focus my thoughts more clearly. Even things like smoking: surprisingly, a cigarette will both calm you AND give you a surplus of energy to make it through an extra hour or two.

And let’s talk things like falling in love. Nothing throws your brain out of whack more than the chemistry that gets shifted when you develop feelings and attachments toward a new person. One of the biggest challenges I’ve had is to disentangle my own actual feelings from the “OMG this person is shiny and I want to spend all my time with them” to “what the frack do I actually feel and want to do?” Trust me, knowing the answer to the latter makes all the difference in the world. It also lets me ride those highs of being in love without losing my head – something I’ve had a lot of difficulty doing in the past. Love is seriously a chemical imbalance, but to be honest it’s one of my favourite ones.

All in all, data-mining my own body is pretty ridiculously exciting. At least for me. Some past fun experiments I’ve run on myself involve things like determining what alcohols make me feel better or worse, and how does my overall mood affect the experiences I have when I try to alter my brain state with better living through chemistry. (Which, by the way, I am admittedly a pretty big fan of.)

I’ve tried an array of drugs just to see what effects they have on me. Pot tends to make me a more creative writer. Cocaine does absolutely nothing for me, for example – which intrigues me as to why so many people get “hooked” on it. With my day to day life, though, I tend to stay pretty clean… I don’t usually like the way I feel when I’m drunk or high, and for the most part I find it impedes my ability to function as “me” (same as with any mood stabilizers a doctor might want you to take, for example.)

An idiot ex of mine told me that I must have a substance abuse problem, which I find utterly laughable. With any chemical or alcohol I’ve had, it’s never been a substance I needed – it was something that I chose to try at the time for whatever reason. Each time, I could have just as easily walked away, and many more times I have. The bottom line is that from each experience, I gather data. I know now to choose not to drink when I’m already upset about something, for example, because the alcohol is going to take my brain in a direction I don’t want to go. However, if I’m tired as hell on a film set, I’ll sneak off and have a quick smoke or a bite of chocolate because I know that either of those will perk me right up.

But neurohacking is about much more than just chemical alteration… part of the reason I got into my dice living experiments were to play with happiness. What it is, where it comes from, how to quantify it… I’m just over half way through my 30 days, and having a blast. (If you want to read more about my dice living, start here). To be honest I could go on for days and weeks about sleep experiments, attempts at lucid dreaming, and many of the other things I’ve done in the name of science… neurohacking is about breaking down how the brain works in order to get the results you want from it.

What I hope to eventually get from my forays into neurohacking is to improve the quality of my own life – so that it improves my relations with others as well as the value I get out of my own various experiences. And there are other ‘general’ hacking interests I have too (like, say, lock-picking)… hacking really is an endless field because there will always be new problems to solve.

For those of you who are genuinely interested in the hacking community I would encourage you to check out hacker/maker spaces in your area, conventions like Notacon, or sites like Hack the Planet, Life Hacker, and of course a favourite piece of mine: the Mentor’s manifesto.

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Happy TIFFing!

September 12th, 2011

Wow, too long since my last post – again! Things have been awesome and busy (or awesomely busy) here though… I was down in Atlanta for Dragoncon recently, and I had a blast meeting so many new people and selling off my “I <3 BOOBs" buttons for The BOOB Show. I went down with a LOT and came back with less than 10... so I was pretty happy about that. Speaking of the BOOB Show, it's going to be hosted solely on my own Youtube channel from here on in, and during TIFF I am re-releasing the episodes a few at a time. So, bounce on over to the playlist and watch your favourite episodes again. I am hoping to get my own Youtube partnership happening! There’s also going to be a few videos from Dragoncon, including a new BOOB Show episode as well as a fun dice living one… plus other goodies!

I also got to briefly chat with a few fine folk at Dragoncon – Wil Wheaton, Misha Collins, and of course the awesome Abney Park. Pee ess, the stills from Talio are up here, but here’s a teaser for now!

In other news, TIFF is happening in Toronto for the next few weeks. I had the pleasure of attending a couple of pre-parties last week, including the Dolby Surrounded panel at the Lightbox. I got to meet some great people there and at the Jetlagged party; it’s so exciting to see where current/future technology is taking us. For example, the work that goes into digitally remastering old classics… it’s incredible to see how they ease out every grain or hair or any tiny flaw in the older prints. The time they put in would blow your mind! Plus it was fun to see some Pixar trailers with new technology, including a more comprehensive surround sound setup. As an actor I think it’s SO important to recognize all the behind the scenes work that go in to making stellar end products and making those on screen look and sound their best.
This week, highlights for me include Festival Music House and VIP-ing it up at the Out There Hospitality Lounge. (I’ll be posting more detailed TIFF blogs later, so stay tuned for that!)

In project news, I was a on a MuchMusic PSA last week, and am headed back to London tomorrow for more Windchocombe. My mother called me the other day to say that my uncle had spotted me on TV on my episode of Instant Cash – I hear that’s getting a lot of airtime! I also just received word that Black Eve’s been finished… so that makes TWO films of mine that you can catch on the big screen in the near future.

Yes, two! The other film is Stiffs On The Green and it screens here in Toronto on October 8th. I would love to see you ALL out! It’s a very funny indie film, and the character I’m playing in it is so far removed from myself. I’m pretty stoked to see it and I hope you all will join me.

Last but not least… I have yet more blog posts coming for you guys this week. I am also taking part in Speak Out With Your Geek Out this week, so expect some shiny posts coming later about some of my various geeky passions.

That’s it for now!

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Posted in Out and About, acting, busy girl is busy, dice living | 1 Comment »

I never live by halves.

August 24th, 2011

Sorry for the long, unintended hiatus. August has been a RIDICULOUSLY busy month (in a good way) for me, and September and on is looking to be the same. I’m not complaining, I like living at full speed. Things have been Very Good overall. And yeah, capital letters necessary there. ;)

I started August with a bang, working on the webseries Clutch.

You all should check it out – great cast, great crew, and I love where they are taking the storyline. In terms of empowerment, it’s also a very feminist-positive outlook (despite/to his credit the series having been conceptualized and directed by the talented Jonathan Robbins.) I had a blast and would happily work with anyone from set again.

Next up in my acting adventures: Batman. Yes, that Batman. Travelled all the way to Pittsburgh to be a part of The Dark Knight Rises. I had to sign an NDA, and even though others have not honoured that and have been leaking photos and videos of the scene I was in, I am choosing to respect the integrity of the project. I will say that I had a blast on set, Tom Hardy is a sexy man in person, and I got to keep a nifty Gotham Rogues bandana as a souvenir of my time as a Hot Football Fan.

The week after, I found myself back on set for One Week in Windchocombe. You can take the girl out of the haunted estate, but you can’t take the bucket of kitten eyes out of the girl. (Yay inside jokes!) I am pretty darn impressed with the new stuff we shot – and yes, this includes the bucket of blood that got upended over my head – and once the final bits and bobs are done I am excited to see this project go through post and get finished.

After all that, I was on set a couple days later for Talio, a dustpunk short film set to the music of Abney Park. From what I’ve seen there were some great visuals, and I got to choreograph and perform a fight scene which is always A+ in my books. Still waiting on the full set of photos from that but they’ll be along and up soon enough. There are some stills on the website there, so we all have to be content with them for now. Also, the location we shot at was a lovely Victorian home… the owners are attempting to live a year as Victorians would, largely without electricity or modern conveniences! For those interested, you can read their blog of their adventures here.

Side note: at this point in time, we were not quite halfway through the month. That same weekend, I got the pleasure of attending the wedding of two very dear friends of mine, set at Casa Dea Winery in Prince Edward County. August has been the month of driving long distances for me, to say the least! It was an amazing wedding, though, and I got to see some beloved folks I hadn’t seen for far too long.

Next up, I was in Waterloo again last weekend for a fun short film called “Clit 101″. Lots of sexy-times, and an utterly hilarious yet touching script (ooh, how punny of me) that was originally a monologue piece by a very lovely lady I know. This one was directed by Femme Fatale Creations. It was nice to see some old familiar faces on set (one of the ASSF alumni, actually, as well as local Waterloo artists I know) and fun to meet some new and up-and-coming talent. The wrap party is tomorrow, but we’ll see if I can make it after being on set for Total Recall. Seeing as how I was playing a “kitty lover”, I’m pretty sure I was typecast. ;)

Aside from that, I’ve got a voicework gig booked for later this week, a few more auditions coming up, pre-production fight choreography hopefully gearing up soon for another newish project, and last but not least, I’ll be at Dragon*con this year at the Binary Soul booth. If you’re coming, swing by and say hi. I’ll have BOOB Show swag for sale and am looking forward to the parties and meeting tons of great new folks.

So yeah, that’s where I’ve been this month. Mostly. There’s also someone new in my life and that makes me pretty darn happy. It’s just a matter of finding the time to balance everything out, you know?

Oh, and pee ess: if you do the Twitter thing, follow The BOOB on Twitter. She’s also got a Facebook fanpage going. See you all soon hopefully!

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