I’ve been toying for awhile with whether to post this and what if anything to say… but I know I’ve been somewhat curiously quiet and noticeably absent and unproductive as hell and apologetically behind and generally upside down and not nearly as focused on my acting work as I should be lately.
The long and short of where I’ve been is that about two months ago now, I began the breakup process with my now-ex, Declan. And coming out of the fog and working through all the pain, I have been recovering the pieces of myself that were lost to what I now see was a highly abusive relationship.
That’s probably what hurts the most, that someone I loved so desperately and sacrificed and bent and changed and moved for would be so constantly, purposely hurtful. But he was – both emotionally and physically. The worst part is, I went into the relationship knowing that he had abused someone else, but he had convinced me that this other girl was “crazy” and that “nothing had happened.” Needless to say, I so regret buying into his manipulations now. I don’t know the extent of what happened in that other relationship but I can guess.
Throughout our relationship, Declan would frequently invalidate anything I said or felt that differed from his own opinion. He had to always be right, and he would one-up me and work any situation out so that he would come out getting his own way. When we would go out, to a friend’s party or on the town, if he got upset for whatever reason (usually because he was a volatile drunk) he would abandon me and leave me to get home on my own. This happened more than once, and despite knowing how upset it made me, Declan did it again and again. Then, of course, there was the incident where he pinned me to the floor and choked me, then held me up against a wall and choked me again, making me beg for air before he would let me go. I regret not leaving him there and then to file a report with the police. But I had somehow convinced myself that, like for example the incident where he “accidentally” broke my glasses, that he didn’t really mean to do it. Funny, the lies we tell ourselves, when the truth is that much more dangerous. I spent so much time defending him against the allegations the previous girlfriend made that I was willing to overlook violent behaviour, just because I loved him and wanted the best for him.
It’s taken time to get to the point where I’m at now in healing, and I think it’s going to take that much longer to really get my full stride back, so to speak. What makes it worse is that Declan is continuing his emotional and psychological manipulations, using different tactics with different people as necessary. He applied for a peace bond against me, under completely false pretenses. He claimed that I tried to kill his dog – which, to anyone who knows me at all, would be irrational at best and ridiculous, as I have five cats and two snakes of my own, used to co-op for a dog groomer in high school, volunteered for a vet’s office… yeah. The best I can figure is that either he needs to convince himself and others that I am the real danger to absolve himself of the abuses he heaped upon me, or that the other Dennehys (ie his family) are pushing him into it based on lies he told them. Either way, it’s just proven to me what a manipulative liar he is: he originally told me that he was applying for a peace bond and that “if I was a good girl, he wouldn’t go through with it.” Even at the courthouse on Friday, he pretended that he didn’t want to go through with it until the last second, where he decided to press for it. Luckily, I had enough in my defense that they didn’t automatically issue it. Also, I am guessing that what he didn’t mention is that his dog (which is a German Shephard/Rotweiller mix) has in the past been a dangerous animal – I’m not sure whether it killed or just injured another dog, but I know there was some sort of incident a few years back and an appeal lost that led to him not registering the dog for a few years and then registering him last year under a different name so that the dog wouldn’t get taken away. Needless to say, in general the peace bond against me is ridiculous and uncalled for – I don’t wish Declan or Max (his dog) or anyone any harm, but I am obviously very bothered by his continued dishonesty in so many areas. And, I guess, bothered with myself that I put up with it for so long.
At least throughout this all, I have learned who my true friends are – the ones who actively support me in recovering from this, the ones who are taking a firm stance in letting Declan know that his actions toward me are unacceptable. The problem is that Declan generally projects a “fun and fancy free” vibe, so people who haven’t seen him be manipulative and dark have no idea just what he is capable of. I won’t go into the less-than-legal things I’ve heard him say and seen him do, but I know what he is capable of. To be honest, it scares me.
So yeah, things have been difficult for me lately to say the least, and my acting career has somewhat fallen by the wayside because of all this real-life turbulence. It sucks, but now that I’ve moved house and am slowly getting through all the pain caused by Declan’s abuse, I am slowly getting back on track. I cut my hair and just got some new headshots, so I’ll be getting back out to auditions soon. I’m working on some new stuff for The BOOB Show, and am going to be taking a new class, and have been picking up some background work in between. It’s rough, but it’s the truth of where I’ve been – for whatever reason, I am a terrible liar (especially about how I’m feeling) but seem compelled to keep telling truths, no matter how painful and difficult. So yeah. It’s still often dark where I am, but as they say, the darkest hour is just before dawn. And hey, I am a survivor, after all.