I’m seeing a lot of propaganda, postings, Twitters, blogs, etc about bullying lately. Some are insightful, some are hate campaigns in disguise, some are shocking sensationalsim, some of them mean well but are not progessive… The bottom line is you have to critically evaluate everything you read on the internet for it to be useful. Taking something at face value that may or may not be factual is dangerous to say the least.
I think we can all agree that we want to find *constructive* ways to make our and future generations more adept at dealing with and minimalizing both the impact bullies have on society, in the classroom, etc, and we want to see a reduction in bullying that happens. Anywhere. To anyone. Period.
Here’s the thing – I am an actor. I am a student of life. I observe the way people act, react, and interact. It’s crucial to my art to be able to understand and feel and express emotions – the whole spectrum, all the good and the bad. In elementary and high school, there were occasions where I was bullied. I still remember my “best friend” in Grade Two leading me with my eyes closed (because I trusted her!) through a pile of dog crap. In high school, there were spitballs and gum in my hair, people making fun of the way I dressed and the beliefs I had. (You try being a bisexual pagan teenager figuring out her identity in a small town – not easy to say the least!) Even in the core group of friends I had leaving high school, we had in-fighting from time to time. All of these women have grown up to be exceptional, kind, generous, beautiful people I am still happy to call friends, may I add.
The bottom line is that I know how it feels to be bullied. It’s not a feeling I want to have, and it’s not a feeling I want to cause others to have, either. However, fairly recently I let ‘love’ and hushed nasty gossip blind me to the hate campaign I was being encouraged on towards another woman. When I finally came to my senses I apologized to her for my actions. Not for any cookies on this end, but because what I and others had been engaging in was wrong, period. I can’t speak for them but I could at least speak for myself and acknowledge my own poor choice of actions. I let myself be blinded by groupthink, by the hate and superiority I was told it was okay to feel toward this person, rather than getting to know her at all and judging her on my own interactions with her.
Again, as an actor, ultimately my job is to move others, to inspire them, to provide them with a sense of catharsis. In my own daily interactions, I much prefer to build up and support other people, not tear them down and spread needless hate around. Hate begets hate – that’s a hard lesson to learn, but it’s why I try very hard not to return the unnecessary anger, lies, and betrayals that come my way from time to time. You can disagree or be upset with someone’s choice of action without hating the person doing the action. With all the people that have hurt me over time, I do not hate them. I am not after ‘vengeance’. But I have felt hurt and I am disappointed with what these people have done to hurt me, especially when those things are done intentionally and maliciously. Have I mentioned that as an actor, I’m probably also overly sensitive? Yeah. I cry at those stupid commercials with sad kittens.
There are a lot of things we can do to shrink the power of bullies. For one, always being responsible for our own actions and leading by example – teaching children to think for themselves from an early age, rather than go along with what the group is doing just because it’s ‘cool.’ Teach them to have the courage to stand up to the group when they don’t agree with what’s going on. The more people who will speak out when something is wrong, the less wrong that will be tolerated. Commend leadership instead of criticizing those who dare to be different.
As I mentioned above, you also need to separate the action from the person. Calling someone a bully – especially young, vulnerable minds – is just as harmful a name as fat, ugly, stupid, slow, etc. The same with labelling someone a victim. Even adults are far too quick to ascribe one overall characteristic to someone, sometimes. “Oh, well, if I’m a bully, then I guess everyone’s going to hate me anyway and why should I be nice to them?” People take on the labels and identities they are given by others, whether or not either party realizes it.
Thirdly, you can find alternate ways to respond to hatred when it is directed toward you. People who harm and seek to control others (through mental, verbal, physical, etc tactics) usually do so because of a perceived lack or hole in their own life. You can hold someone accountable for their actions without using blame and without raising your voice, both of which also serve to increase anger and hostility. There is also a fine line between forgiveness and allowing something to happen more than once. Some questions I find effective at reducing blind hatred and rage are “What’s really bothering you?” “Why are you directing your anger at me?” “Why are you hurting?” It may take some time for the angry person to come around, but by challening their core rather than responding to their outward bluster, you are more likely to effect change rather than compound their hostility.
Creating a culture of true equality and inclusion will also minimize the emergence of bullies. This one is a harder task than the ones prior – and those are not often easy feats – but when people feel they are valued equally and not in competition for affection/benefits/what-have-you, they will be less likely to want to cause discord to get what they feel are missing. If something’s not made out to be a big deal, other people won’t consider it a big deal – but the stronger the reaction or struggle, the more magnitude it will gain.
With regards to victimization: again, it’s the repeating of jargon that makes someone believe what they hear – telling someone they are a victim enough times will be sure to have them feeling perpetually targetted by life. If you tell someone that they are stronger and wiser despite their pain, that label will stick just as well as if you tell them they were victimized. Personally, I feel that I am a product of my past experiences, NOT a victim, despite the upsetting things I have undergone. These experiences have made me stronger, wiser, less tolerant of injustices, and more willing to speak out on behalf of myself and others when I know people are being wronged. I catch a lot of flack for being so verbose, sometimes, but I am doing what I feel is ultimately right.
People who go through being bullied, abused, etc should be given the freedom to discuss their experiences in a non-judgmental environment. They should be given the freedom to express their feelings without being told that they are wrong, overreacting, lying, exaggerating, and without demands put on them for the things they “should” do now. If someone has been physically threatened, for example, they should be reminded that they have the option to report said person to law enforcement if they so desire. They should not be made to go, but by the same token their experience should not be trivialized so that they end up not reporting the person, who may go on to do further damage to them or others. When feelings are judged, people are going to carry the trauma with them longer than if they are allowed to express themselves and work through what they are feeling.
A little extra tolerance and kindness for those who are struggling with bullies never hurts, either. It may be frustrating for any number of reasons to see a friend or loved one go through pain, but when you stress them further about the situation “What are you going to do?” “I think you should report them!” “I don’t believe you.” “You’re exaggerating.” “Don’t let this impact your homework!”, you are going to make things worse for them instead of better.
By the same token a zero-tolerance approach for bullying is needed, which includes both consequences for the person doing the bullying AND an attempt to figure out the cause of the person’s hurtful behaviour. In schools, instead of a time-out, how about missing out on a day or two of their club or sports team, and talking with a guidance counselor instead?
The important part is that the person causing the hurt must realize the consequence is directly related to their action – which also means that those receiving the consequences must be given agency. That is, if they change their behaviour for the better (or say, sincerely apologize for their actions), they won’t have to serve their entire punishment. But if they let the behaviour happen again, the punishment is worse next time. They need to be given a limited amount of trust, and be allowed to rebuild what they have broken without undue further judgment. They also need to not be ostracized for life for one action – none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes.
So why am I writing this all? I guess it’s because recent events really have me thinking – about how to make the world better, about how to make myself a better person, about how to have better relationships with others. Certain recent events and the way they were handled have really upset me, but in that situation I do not have the agency to control anyone’s reactions but my own.
All I know is that I want to see things get better, not worse, and I’m willing to do my part to make it so.
