Posts Tagged ‘life in general’

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I used to write beautiful words.

Monday, January 21st, 2013

My last year of high school, first year of university and on a little before that… I used to blog compulsively. Daily, sometimes hourly. They still exist in the chasm of the internet if you really know where to look. I wrote love letters to nobody and everyone and specific people all at once, and I think it’s time to start that again.

I’ve been nursing my way through The Artist’s Way, for one. It’s been great at getting me to figure out some of my hangups and to get me to just fucking create stuff rather than angst about it. Still lots of things I want to develop but I’m getting better at just seizing the moment and doing things again. Like painting. Or saying “yes, and…” to synchronicity and connections that come along, rather than find reasons as to why things might fail. It’s amazing, all the shit we let ourselves get bogged down under.

One thing that’s been on my mind a lot as of late is just how important it is to approach everything in life with love and joy, rather than guilt or anger or obligation or any of that. I’ve had auditions I was angry about. I’ve had more than one occasion where I was jealous of some other actor for getting something I didn’t. Truthbomb: we ALL have. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. As a performer (especially when looking for work) there’s already so much you can’t control – like if you look ‘right’ for the part – so you might as well love the everlasting shit out of what it is that you’re doing in a given moment.

Another epiphany I had recently is how ‘small’ I allowed myself to stay for a long time. Growth is a constant, concentrated effort, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that specifically when I first moved to Toronto and the company I kept in that time (and their backstabbing and gossip and the things they filled their time with and the way they treated other people) didn’t make me feel good about myself or what I was doing, or about my relationships to other people. I got caught up in their petty bullshit and in trying to fit in and trying not to rock the boat, rather than going out and living for myself and aiming for higher aspirations and doing my own work just for the sheer joy in it all. You really are the company you keep, which is why it’s now doubly important for me to surround myself with talented, driven, passionate, positive people.

And a part of this epiphany is how many good people I had around me that I never really made an effort to get to know beyond anything superficial, and how being in a state of constant drama and turmoil with the ‘small’ people kept me from finding the simple joys in life, from spending more time in the good people’s company, in performing… fuck, I’ve wasted a lot of time, but I’m setting the intention not to tolerate that sabotaging behaviour anymore, in myself or in others. And to spend time with people who I think are awesome, to let hangouts happen organically rather than feeling like I’m begging for attention or being super-awkward when I really just want to get to know people and develop awesome friendships.

I’ll be honest, it’s only in the last month or so that I started getting excited about auditions and that I’ve noticed a concentrated yen to be positive and content where I wasn’t before. It may take a bit of time to get used to this new way of being. Same way that I’ve seen people around for the last three years but I’ve only really started to talk to them (and LISTEN, rather than just talk at) and get to know them within the last three months.

Going forward, I only want to do the most amazing work with the most amazing people. I’m not saying this to be limiting – rather, just to create a space and create a possibility to be able to spend a lot of time with excellent people rather than the wishy-washy sort who aren’t invested in themselves or others. When it comes to love, listening, time, and teamwork I’ve got unlimited capital to share.

I’ve got some more thoughts about improv, acting, and neurohacking… but that’s for another post.

And all that said… just to clarify…
1) If I offer you my time (“we should go for coffee!” “let’s work together!” whatever) I MEAN IT. I won’t offer or agree to anything I don’t genuinely want to do.
2) If I ask you about something, I’m listening. No judgment, no obligation, no expectation, no holds barred.
3) I reserve the right to add more rules of engagement as I see fit. I’m pretty low-maintenance and straightforward when it comes down to it.

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Why I’m an Actorvist now… (or, to hell and back.)

Thursday, May 31st, 2012

Remember how when we were little that we were taught to go to a policeman if we were in trouble? That we could count on them for help and protection? As an adult who gets paid to pretend for a living, I just can’t buy into that anymore.

Those of you who’ve followed my blog for awhile have seen all sorts of ups and downs from me, and a good few posts about domestic violence and my own brush with it. How and why to get out of those dangerous situations. What I’ve been public about – until now – is only the tip of the iceberg of my recent ordeal.

I’ve already gone over how my ex, Declan, held me by the throat and made me beg to be let go, how he sliced open my arm with a pocketknife and that I’m permanetly physically scarred from that. How I tried to report him to the police and the officer I spoke with was apathetic to my suffering and chose not to believe me. I’ve told a lot of people about this. I have evidence and witnesses to prove that he’s done these things. I’ve suffered panic attacks and post-traumatic stress disorder from the way I was treated. And I thought I was over all that, finally.

I thought I was over all that until my ex found out that I was engaged to my wonderful fiance, and began to ramp up the harassment once more. Disgusted with his behaviour, I spoke to a lawyer who pointed me to a Justice of the Peace, who told me how to lay a private information. I was thrilled to have someone who was able to see the truth, and who was willing to help me press charges against my abusive ex. Silly me, I thought justice may actually be fair and right after all.

I was so very wrong. Our current justice system is SO skewed that I was ARRESTED – yes, arrested – for reporting the domestic violence I survived. I was arrested by Detective Leslie Morris of 22 Division of the Toronto Police Services, the same officer who didn’t believe me when I’d first tried to report my ex over a year ago. I saw her show up at court and act very amicably with my ex prior to everything happening, and at the time I wondered why she was there. I found out soon enough. The real kicker is that I was arrested at the courthouse when I was supposed to provide evidence against my ex, and the way in which she arrested me prevented me from doing so.

Further to that, despite me having no prior criminal record, I was held overnight for a bail hearing. I was also fingerprinted, photographed, and strip-searched. It was February when I was arrested, and the police took my coat, shoes, and bra – leaving me freezing in a cell with only a thin sweater, skirt, and stockings. Needless to say, the way in which I was arrested and treated, and Detective Morris’ comment of “I told you I’d arrest you if you kept speaking out” made the PTSD and panic attacks re-emerge, hardcore. I had such a bad panic attack while being held in jail that I passed out and hit my head off the floor. Despite repeated calls for help, I believe I was left for about a half-hour without anyone checking in on me. Finally, someone called an ambulance, but the panic attacks have continued for the past three months again.

The one ‘upside’ to being arrested is that you get what’s called disclosure when you go to court – you get to see what the other party is saying about you if you’ve been charged with a crime. What I saw from Detective Morris was that despite me describing to her in detail about being choked, she didn’t mention it in her police report. Not even once. What I saw was that she provided a very unflattering and untrue summary of everything that had gone on, and that her report and documentation were full of inconsistencies and errors. But of course, the police uphold the law so they must be telling the truth, right? Just like people who deny major events like the Holocaust – as bad as something is, if they say it didn’t happen it must not have. Riiiiiight.

Anyway. As of today, the Crown has agreed to withdraw the case if I do some community service. As a favour to myself and other taxpayers, I have decided to take them up on their offer. Why? I could continue to fight this through court just to prove that I am honest and have been telling the truth all along, or I could move the hell on with my life, continue to do great acting work, and start enjoying life again. I am quite certain that I would win if I did insist on this going to trial, but with how flawed our system is, the extra effort’s not even worth it. Nor are the lawyer fees. I’ve defended myself all through this process, including getting withdrawn two peace bond applications filled with false information against me (one from my ex, and one from Liana Kerzner, a friend of my ex’s), and thus far, telling the truth has served me well enough. Besides, I’d be spending those hours anyway, and I’d rather they benefit someone else than just be wasted.

With how much I’ve learned about the system, I’d rather just pass my knowledge on to others so they hopefully have less abrasive encounters with dishonest cops and/or abusive partners. It’s what’s made me such a staunch actorvist the past little while – life is NOT fair, and the good people often get screwed over because the people supposed to be ‘protecting us’ can’t or won’t pursue those actually in the wrong. (Anyone who knows me knows that it’s in my nature to help people anyway, so I may as well get some credit for it. ;p)

My story is by far NOT the only one. Recently in Toronto, a rookie cop doing the right thing by arresting an impaired driver was harassed by other officers – because the person he arrested was a fellow officer. Or look at Byron Sonne, who spent ELEVEN months in jail for his honest curiousity. There’s a million stories of police misconduct out there, and I think it’s time the public hold the police truly accountable for their actions.

As for what I’ve learned? It’s kind of scary, but I hope it’ll help someone else out. Some of this applies to Ontario, Canada, specifically, so please do due reasearch into the laws in your area.
1) If you are ever searched by police without a warrant, make it loudly known that you do not consent to the search but that you will not impede them. This is one of many steps in learning your rights.
2) Any person who believes a crime has been done has the right to speak to a Justice of the Peace and file what’s called a private information. The Criminal Code is available online.
3) If you find yourself in a domestic violence situation – don’t wait, don’t hesitate, don’t try and protect the other person. Report what’s happened to you IN DETAIL as soon as it happens. Don’t skip on details. Write everything down so that you can refer back to it later. Keep a log of everything that happens.
4) You can’t count on anyone else to help you or for anyone else to be invested in your outcome. Not witnesses, not factual physical evidence, nothing. So much can be brushed over or skewed, even when you are telling the truth. If you do hire a lawyer for your situation, take the time to write them out a detailed timeline of events so that they at least have a record of everything that’s gone on. So many lawyers are unprepared and/or apathetic.
5) Conduct in court: come dressed professionally, and be polite. You’d be surprised at how many people overlook this. Essentially, you are playing in the big-kid sandbox, and if you don’t play by their rules, they are not going to be very nice to you.
6) If you’ve been charged with a crime, you have the right to request further evidence against you if you believe there may be anything else.
7) If you are trying to report domestic violence, most courthouses should have a program called Victim-Witness Assistance. Again, don’t wait – get in there right away. If you are charged with a crime and cannot afford a lawyer, court houses also have Duty Counsel who can provide you with basic legal advice. They are often overloaded and underpaid.
8) The criminal justice system is like a cliquey club – they have certain language they use and protocols they follow that seem meant to be confusing for the average person. Acronyms like JPT (judicial pre-trial) and OIC (Officer in Charge), for example. The good news is that Google is your friend, and most lawyers offer a free consultation. Gather your questions and do your research. You DO have the capacity to learn these things. Again, read the Criminal Code. There’s also bodies of rules pertaining to how police must behave, for example, as well as the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
9) Being arrested and charged is NOT the end of the world – they just want you to feel like it is. So much of police and court process is about intimidation, which is why sometimes people get physically beaten when they are not talking and giving police the answers they want to hear.
10) Stick to the facts. As much as you are going to have emotional involvement in what’s happening to you, you will be taken more seriously if you can be relatively objective about everything. A lot of people make the mistake of publicly saying that the police were “out to get them”, etc – whether or not it’s true, prove the hows and whys. Judges also don’t want to hear people ramble on; the more definitive answers you can give, the better. Yes, No, I saw, This happened, etc.
11) The scariest is that the police have an internal records-management system that the public has no access to whatsoever. They can write whatever they want to in there. I’m sure they have a novel or two about me by now, with all these things that I’ve “done”. A little 1984, anyone?

(I just realized this turned into a Ten Things post, so I’m going to stop at eleven for now. ;p)

Anyway. I feel like I’ve been to hell and back with everything I’ve gone through, but point of fact is that I refuse to see myself as a victim – not of domestic violence, not of police misconduct, nothing. I am a fucking SURVIVOR, and I am going to turn this whole shitstorm of bad experiences and getting caught up with bad people into some amazing art and some amazing profit for myself.

Any news outlets who want to cover this story – I welcome the chance. You can contact me at emily dot schooley at gmail dot com. I applaud any of you who’ve actually read this mini-essay, btw. I’ve had a lot to say about this for a long time and I am glad to be at a place where I can talk publicly about my experience with being arrested for reporting domestic violence.

Oh and PS: I guess I’m a ‘real’ celebrity now, now that I’ve been arrested. You’re welcome for the sarcasm.

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Working Girls!

Thursday, April 26th, 2012

(Not THAT kind of working girl, mind you. And than you to Krissy Myers for the above photo of me)

I’ve been thinking more and more about acting as a business, and my life in general as a business. See, this has come about in several ways and through several people, which I suspect is the universe’s way of smacking me over the head and saying “time to evolve”. Recently I took on some work outside of just performing and creating – I’m now working for Fresh Collective as their office manager/Girl Friday. Aside from working for a great, POSITIVE company with a great product and being afforded some very lucky opportunities for serious personal development, my boss Laura-Jean runs a great Tumblr blog called Becoming a CEO. As another creative professional, I find that her blogs resonate a lot with me and my journey, especially one recent post about internal vs external. I think a lot about where I want things to go, and don’t always take the steps I need to make that happen.

See, I am great at Getting Stuff Done for other people and as long as I’m engaged and occupied mentally, I’m pretty happy and achieving great flow. It’s when I don’t feel challenged and engaged that I find ways to procrastinate – and especially in my own personal life stuff (or when I’m afraid of a new challenge) – I find that I will self-sabotage or neglect the work. If I’m involved in a project where other people are relying on me but I’m not feeling engaged, I tend to slowly start slacking off, and if it’s something for me/my career but I have fears/doubts… well, those dishes need doing and I should read this book and… it goes on and on.

Another inspirational lady in my life as of late is my dear friend and fellow actor Miroki Tong. Much like me, Miroki has a lot of passions and interests – I know I’ve fallen into the trap many times of doing more than I can take on, like having five parties in a night to go to or having acting work plus housework plus personal stuff plus commitments to other people plus fun social pursuits. In one of the recent development books I’ve read, they talked about how quitting is not always a bad thing – a lot of smart people know how and when to quit and it can actually work to your advantage. Miroki’s recent post about “saying goodbye to a Jacques of Trades” also resonated with me because for awhile I was trying to build several businesses in tandem. I am slowly learning how to quit everything that is bad/dead end for me – such as not doing photography as business, not wasting time and energy on people who are not supportive in my life, not eating foods that are going to cause me to feel miserable… the list goes on and on. I’m making it my mission this year to quit as much as possible when I know things aren’t benefitting me any and they are sucking up my time that could be better spent elsewhere.

Lastly, a talented lady musician I know, Late July, aka Nicole Simone posted recently about her experiences with “marketing” her music, rather than just making music. I’m torn on this – it seems like you need to market the shit out of yourself these days if you’re to get “anywhere” at all, but I hate the thought of making art purely for profit rather than for what value YOU get out of it. A bizzare comment from someone who’s regularly in front of a camera, I suppose, especially with my resolve to only take on paid projects this year… but I always make exceptions for projects that have MERIT. If something moves me and makes me want to move others – rather than just stand there and look pretty – I am 1000x more attached to it than something I need to “sell.” I like truth when it comes down to it, I guess, and I can’t “sell” anything I don’t truthfully believe in and feel.

All that said, things have been picking up well for me with acting work lately. Among other things going on, I’ve been recently booked for two upcoming pilots (one I had to sign a strict NDA for, so no details yet unfortunately), am wrapping up my dice living, and there’s some exciting new projects on the horizon for the next few months. Always moving forward. Also, planning a wedding. We just got our first contributor on our Indiegogo campaign towards stag and doe ticket sales so that’s pretty exciting considering I haven’t booked the venues yet.

Lately, it’s all about quitting and refocusing and shifting things around in my life, but I’m getting there.

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Sexytimes!

Wednesday, April 4th, 2012

Oh hi.
So for those of you who are less into horror pop culture, you may not know about Shock Stock. The new, full 50 minute feature-length version of Park Enforcer will be screening there next weekend. Can you handle a cock-kebab? If you haven’t yet, check out the new trailer here. Park Enforcer is gonna blow your mind. And blow a load in your pants.

It’s funny, four or so years ago I was talking with an accomplished older actor who had bought her house on revenue from horror films. At the time, I didn’t understand how that would be possible, but I have come to love working in the horror genre an awful lot. Even though I am jumpy and squeamish in real life, I do have a soft spot for getting covered in blood, dying odd deaths, and taking on unique projects.

Also, speaking of unique projects, I now have just four days of dice living left – while the initial project was only supposed to last a month, I feel like I’ve gotten so much more out of the dice by having the project run for the course of a year. I plan to put it together as a full-length documentary once the project is all done, but am kind of sad that I have so few episodes left to film.

In other news, I am engaged. See what I did there? Snuck that in so subtlely like that. But seriously. Greg and I have been engaged for a few months now, but decided to make it “internet official” as of April 1st. No jokes, though, click on the link – we are pre-selling tickets to our stag and doe party and I’d love to have as many friends as possible join us. Dates/times are still TBD, but it’ll be in the fall or later so there shouldn’t be any scheduling conflicts.

Other than the wedding planning, I’ve got a few exciting projects coming up including a comedic webseries, the filming for Confidence Tricks, and the completion of the Schizophrenic photoshoot project. I really feel like 2012 will be my year, and I am so excited to have so many talented people to work with! More soon, I promise, there are Adventures in Progress.

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On Group Mind and Groupthink

Monday, December 19th, 2011

This past weekend, I just fininshed an amazing improv class at ITC about ‘working as a group’ – that is, honing our ability to participate with a group mind. We had a great instructor and the class was full of awesome, positive, supportive people who I’d work with in a heartbeat any day at any performance venture. And again, in my world, art often imitates liefe.

Group mind is all about drinking each other in, drinking the koolaid – as they say – and working as a cohesive whole to create something awesome. The energy and synchronicity that comes out of being part of a group working together feels SO positive and comfortable. Group mind is all about ACTIVELY analyzing, listening and supporting one another, with everyone playing an equal part in creation but knowing when to go with the ebb and flow. Watching groups work together in this way is magical.

What makes groups who work together with a group mind (whether it’s in the office, on a film, on stage for improv in a writhing mass of people… wherever…) successful is a combination of things. First off, everyone in the group is actively engaged, actively listening to and observing others, and actively participating – which means they have just as much chance as anyone else to steer the group in a new direction and contribute to the overall endeavour. Also, a critical component of a successful group mind is that there is NO negativity and judgment of other group members, or for that matter, those outside the group. Everything is accepted and most importantly immediately supported, all within a safe environment. That’s what allows trust and that’s what lets the magic happen.

Something I’ve been thinking a lot lately about is the functional opposite of group mind – groupthink. (For those curious about what groupthink entails, the Wikipedia article is pretty decent.) I’ve been part of groups that have utilized groupthink – without realizing just what was going on – and the results are not nearly as positive. In fact, I would venture to say that groupthink is highly DESTRUCTIVE.

Here’s how groupthink effectively differentiates from group mind: everyone is NOT an equally valued individual engaging in active participating and listening. People are pressured to be uniform – usually based on aspirations of the group leader – and silence is seen as consent towards the group’s actions. Anyone other than the leader who dares to stir change is often seen as “disloyal”; unlike group mind which is ONLY about members of the group, those falling victim to groupthink are also led to see people outside of the group as outsiders – and often, therefore, wrong. Absolute pure morality of those with groupthink is never questioned – the group is assumed to be “right”, always.

Of the two, I know which I prefer.

I’ve spent a lot of time observing people lately, and contemplating my own past and present actions in a variety of situations. I’ve also spent a lot of time talking with people I trust… and of the groups I’ve been present in – one using group mind and the other being highly partial to groupthink – I’ve made some highly telling observations. In the former group, we’ve had some brilliant discussions. What I’ve seen that is perhaps most telling is an overall lack of overwhelming negativity. Certainly, there’s things that bother us and we discuss them, but one telltale characteristic is an ability to separate dislike of a person’s action from dislike of the person themselves. In the groupthink group, I’ve seen hatred of a person (usually a previous group member) snowball from one small act that went against ‘what the group wanted.’ And that’s happened a little too often for my liking.

There’s a culture of underlying trust, of “I’ve got your back”, of “take that risk and we’ll support you” in the group with group mind. There’s not nearly the same level of judgment that is present in the community that fell prey to groupthink. In the latter, personal risks and choices to make bold moves were rarely acceptable; if you did something too ‘out there’ or if you told the wrong person the wrong thing you could guarantee that the group would turn on you, usually after you were backstabbed by another group member.

From observing people for so long, I get why people fall into groupthink. I honestly don’t blame them for it; it’s something I’ve succumbed to as well. The important thing is to realize when you ARE being inherently destructive – of yourself, of another person – and to be able to safely pull back from the group. It takes a strong person to call themselves or someone else on their faults, but it takes an even stronger person to own their faults and move on from them.

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My awesome busy-ness, let me show you it…

Friday, October 14th, 2011

Things have been good lately. Busy, but good. I did a guest spot on an internet TV show, have TWO films screening this month, a play coming up next month, plus my usual improv and life-stuff. For starters, I think I mentioned the handsome and super-talented musician I started seeing a few months back. Well, we’re looking at getting a condo together, so that is pretty darn exciting! Also exciting is that my episoide of Being Erica aired recently:

erica

That would be me on the left there. Oh yes.

Anyway. If you want to see me in action soon, I would love to sell you tickets to The Other Side of the Rhyme. This is a hilarious one-act play… and I will be on stage in a fur bikini at one point. Need I say more? If you catch me in person, tickets are just $10, or you can buy them in advance through Brown Paper Tickets, but they’re a little bit more. The show almost sold out last year at its premiere – and now that it’s getting its Toronto premiere, I wouldn’t expect much less. So get tickets soon, and come see me strut and fret upon the stage!

Secondly, production is gearing up for my new feature film, which is going under the working title Aequitas. I am playing the lead character in this and would love to get paid well for my work – it’s gonna be gruelling and brutal – so if you have a few spare bucks (or more), we’d love for you to support our film through our IndieGoGo campaign. I know how amazing this film is going to be when it’s done, and I’d love for as many people as possible to be a part of it.

Lastly, in more good news, I recently signed on with The Porter Group, and am pleased as punch to be represented by Stephanie Porter. She’s a great lady, and fingers crossed for many good things coming out of this new partnership.

Errands to run and my birthday party tomorrow… I miss and love all of you!

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I never live by halves.

Wednesday, August 24th, 2011

Sorry for the long, unintended hiatus. August has been a RIDICULOUSLY busy month (in a good way) for me, and September and on is looking to be the same. I’m not complaining, I like living at full speed. Things have been Very Good overall. And yeah, capital letters necessary there. ;)

I started August with a bang, working on the webseries Clutch.

You all should check it out – great cast, great crew, and I love where they are taking the storyline. In terms of empowerment, it’s also a very feminist-positive outlook (despite/to his credit the series having been conceptualized and directed by the talented Jonathan Robbins.) I had a blast and would happily work with anyone from set again.

Next up in my acting adventures: Batman. Yes, that Batman. Travelled all the way to Pittsburgh to be a part of The Dark Knight Rises. I had to sign an NDA, and even though others have not honoured that and have been leaking photos and videos of the scene I was in, I am choosing to respect the integrity of the project. I will say that I had a blast on set, Tom Hardy is a sexy man in person, and I got to keep a nifty Gotham Rogues bandana as a souvenir of my time as a Hot Football Fan.

The week after, I found myself back on set for One Week in Windchocombe. You can take the girl out of the haunted estate, but you can’t take the bucket of kitten eyes out of the girl. (Yay inside jokes!) I am pretty darn impressed with the new stuff we shot – and yes, this includes the bucket of blood that got upended over my head – and once the final bits and bobs are done I am excited to see this project go through post and get finished.

After all that, I was on set a couple days later for Talio, a dustpunk short film set to the music of Abney Park. From what I’ve seen there were some great visuals, and I got to choreograph and perform a fight scene which is always A+ in my books. Still waiting on the full set of photos from that but they’ll be along and up soon enough. There are some stills on the website there, so we all have to be content with them for now. Also, the location we shot at was a lovely Victorian home… the owners are attempting to live a year as Victorians would, largely without electricity or modern conveniences! For those interested, you can read their blog of their adventures here.

Side note: at this point in time, we were not quite halfway through the month. That same weekend, I got the pleasure of attending the wedding of two very dear friends of mine, set at Casa Dea Winery in Prince Edward County. August has been the month of driving long distances for me, to say the least! It was an amazing wedding, though, and I got to see some beloved folks I hadn’t seen for far too long.

Next up, I was in Waterloo again last weekend for a fun short film called “Clit 101″. Lots of sexy-times, and an utterly hilarious yet touching script (ooh, how punny of me) that was originally a monologue piece by a very lovely lady I know. This one was directed by Femme Fatale Creations. It was nice to see some old familiar faces on set (one of the ASSF alumni, actually, as well as local Waterloo artists I know) and fun to meet some new and up-and-coming talent. The wrap party is tomorrow, but we’ll see if I can make it after being on set for Total Recall. Seeing as how I was playing a “kitty lover”, I’m pretty sure I was typecast. ;)

Aside from that, I’ve got a voicework gig booked for later this week, a few more auditions coming up, pre-production fight choreography hopefully gearing up soon for another newish project, and last but not least, I’ll be at Dragon*con this year at the Binary Soul booth. If you’re coming, swing by and say hi. I’ll have BOOB Show swag for sale and am looking forward to the parties and meeting tons of great new folks.

So yeah, that’s where I’ve been this month. Mostly. There’s also someone new in my life and that makes me pretty darn happy. It’s just a matter of finding the time to balance everything out, you know?

Oh, and pee ess: if you do the Twitter thing, follow The BOOB on Twitter. She’s also got a Facebook fanpage going. See you all soon hopefully!

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Down So Long…

Monday, May 16th, 2011

I’ve been toying for awhile with whether to post this and what if anything to say… but I know I’ve been somewhat curiously quiet and noticeably absent and unproductive as hell and apologetically behind and generally upside down and not nearly as focused on my acting work as I should be lately.

The long and short of where I’ve been is that about two months ago now, I began the breakup process with my now-ex, Declan. And coming out of the fog and working through all the pain, I have been recovering the pieces of myself that were lost to what I now see was a highly abusive relationship.

That’s probably what hurts the most, that someone I loved so desperately and sacrificed and bent and changed and moved for would be so constantly, purposely hurtful. But he was – both emotionally and physically. The worst part is, I went into the relationship knowing that he had abused someone else, but he had convinced me that this other girl was “crazy” and that “nothing had happened.” Needless to say, I so regret buying into his manipulations now. I don’t know the extent of what happened in that other relationship but I can guess.

Throughout our relationship, Declan would frequently invalidate anything I said or felt that differed from his own opinion. He had to always be right, and he would one-up me and work any situation out so that he would come out getting his own way. When we would go out, to a friend’s party or on the town, if he got upset for whatever reason (usually because he was a volatile drunk) he would abandon me and leave me to get home on my own. This happened more than once, and despite knowing how upset it made me, Declan did it again and again. Then, of course, there was the incident where he pinned me to the floor and choked me, then held me up against a wall and choked me again, making me beg for air before he would let me go. I regret not leaving him there and then to file a report with the police. But I had somehow convinced myself that, like for example the incident where he “accidentally” broke my glasses, that he didn’t really mean to do it. Funny, the lies we tell ourselves, when the truth is that much more dangerous. I spent so much time defending him against the allegations the previous girlfriend made that I was willing to overlook violent behaviour, just because I loved him and wanted the best for him.

It’s taken time to get to the point where I’m at now in healing, and I think it’s going to take that much longer to really get my full stride back, so to speak. What makes it worse is that Declan is continuing his emotional and psychological manipulations, using different tactics with different people as necessary. He applied for a peace bond against me, under completely false pretenses. He claimed that I tried to kill his dog – which, to anyone who knows me at all, would be irrational at best and ridiculous, as I have five cats and two snakes of my own, used to co-op for a dog groomer in high school, volunteered for a vet’s office… yeah. The best I can figure is that either he needs to convince himself and others that I am the real danger to absolve himself of the abuses he heaped upon me, or that the other Dennehys (ie his family) are pushing him into it based on lies he told them. Either way, it’s just proven to me what a manipulative liar he is: he originally told me that he was applying for a peace bond and that “if I was a good girl, he wouldn’t go through with it.” Even at the courthouse on Friday, he pretended that he didn’t want to go through with it until the last second, where he decided to press for it. Luckily, I had enough in my defense that they didn’t automatically issue it. Also, I am guessing that what he didn’t mention is that his dog (which is a German Shephard/Rotweiller mix) has in the past been a dangerous animal – I’m not sure whether it killed or just injured another dog, but I know there was some sort of incident a few years back and an appeal lost that led to him not registering the dog for a few years and then registering him last year under a different name so that the dog wouldn’t get taken away. Needless to say, in general the peace bond against me is ridiculous and uncalled for – I don’t wish Declan or Max (his dog) or anyone any harm, but I am obviously very bothered by his continued dishonesty in so many areas. And, I guess, bothered with myself that I put up with it for so long.

At least throughout this all, I have learned who my true friends are – the ones who actively support me in recovering from this, the ones who are taking a firm stance in letting Declan know that his actions toward me are unacceptable. The problem is that Declan generally projects a “fun and fancy free” vibe, so people who haven’t seen him be manipulative and dark have no idea just what he is capable of. I won’t go into the less-than-legal things I’ve heard him say and seen him do, but I know what he is capable of. To be honest, it scares me.

So yeah, things have been difficult for me lately to say the least, and my acting career has somewhat fallen by the wayside because of all this real-life turbulence. It sucks, but now that I’ve moved house and am slowly getting through all the pain caused by Declan’s abuse, I am slowly getting back on track. I cut my hair and just got some new headshots, so I’ll be getting back out to auditions soon. I’m working on some new stuff for The BOOB Show, and am going to be taking a new class, and have been picking up some background work in between. It’s rough, but it’s the truth of where I’ve been – for whatever reason, I am a terrible liar (especially about how I’m feeling) but seem compelled to keep telling truths, no matter how painful and difficult. So yeah. It’s still often dark where I am, but as they say, the darkest hour is just before dawn. And hey, I am a survivor, after all.

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How Improv and an Irish Boy Saved My Soul

Thursday, December 16th, 2010

So, a year ago… I was not necessarily terribly unhappy, but I would also not say I was terribly gleeful (adorably addictive musical show aside.) Go back a few years, and that is all the more true. Ask me how I’m doing (and hey, I’m still working on this one) I would say something sarcastic like “not dead yet”, or “not too bad I guess.” All stuff with negative connotations.

I don’t necessarily think of myself as an Eeyore, let’s be straight here. I’ve had a life that had its ups and downs – more than some people have had to deal with, sure – but in terms of acting and a sliding scale of optimism, I would say I am firmly a realist and have always been drawn to the more dark and tragic character roles to play. Probably why I love working in horror, actually, there’s not often any real sort of happy ending.

Anyway, point is, I didn’t really think of myself as a cheerful or funny person. Sure, I’ve got my biting wit, but I’m just as likely to offend someone as make them laugh. Fast forward to last summer, when I was at an event to promote a then-current project of mine. I met someone who seemed to have a fair bit in common with me, someone who after some getting-to-know-you, had endured at a younger age stuff beyond even my realm of shadows. Or maybe not, but point is, this person is always a ball of energy, the life of the party, and who always makes it a point to find the fun and encourage others.
I am also incredibly proud to say that I have now been dating said person for more than a year, and he is both supportive of my acting endeavours and we are working toward making a life together. It’s a real blessing to have that driving force in my life, forcing me to lighten up and be present.

Secondly, as much as it was for my career, my move to Toronto was partly to make that big old leap into being with Declan, my partner, on a daily basis. And that blind leap has blessed me with so many talented new friends and fantastic opportunities. I get frustrated often because it really does feel like baby steps, but looking back I really have accomplished a lot this year. One of my biggest positives has been my improv classes at Impatient, and latterly, my teams and the brand new offshoot – announcing… Pandora’s Toybox, my own personal and changing group of people I improv with for events like the Coin Operated Improv fundraiser for the Sunburst Awards. Either way… Wayne, Matt, Ted, jason, and everyone I’ve taken classes and performed with… Thank you. Not only have you made me a funnier and more cheerful person, you’ve also made my time in Toronto so far totally awesome.

So yeah… I’m not normally this introspective (at least not publicly), but this is something I’ve been thinking a lot about as a person and as an actor, and I’ve gotta say that a little change will do you good.

Oh! That said, all you lovely ladies who are worrying about money, or want a better financial plan, or even just want to be part of a great movement, you need to check out Shannon Simmons and her Barter Babes Project. I cannot say enough great things about this lady – she quit her well-paying full time Bay St job to bring accessible and helpful financial advice to gals like you and me who probably can’t afford the steep fees charged by financial planners. Not only is she gorgeous and talented, she’s got a heart of gold and is someone I would happily consider both a business associate and a friend. So get involved, help her reach her goals, and get something amazing in return.

Okay, okay, enough gushing… it’s dinner time!

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Things that are “Pretty Fucking Sweet” this week…

Tuesday, April 6th, 2010

(My loving-on posts are in the works, not to worry! I’m just taking time to compile more of a list and more eloquent reasons as to why these people are awesome.)

In the meantime, here’s yet another awesome acting blog for some inspiration: Acting Without the Drama. Ben, the guy who runs the blog (and you can also follow him on twitter: @Actingnodrama) was originally linked to me through my friend and fellow actor Marco Gennuso (who is also on twitter: @MarcoGennuso). Ben is full of practical, honest, and thorough advice which a lot of people don’t bother to give away for free. And best of all, he’s an outgoing and genuine guy who’s great at reaching out to people.
In my humble opinion, if someone’s going to impart knowledge for free, take it. Take what you need and can use from it. Too many people want to make money off being “an expert” in something, and that often comes with a sort of taint that anything given freely does not.

Secondly, a little “yay me!” moment… tomorrow, I’m going to be filming for Global’s new Digital channel. So excited for that! And I’m equally excited to be attending an exclusive premiere of the new Doctor Who on Thursday, hosted by Space. (Even if a lot of you have already watched the torrent. ;p) I’m going to see if I can’t put together a costume set for me and my guest, to go as Eleven and Amy. I promise pictures if I pull it off! ;)

Lastly for now, I started my improv training last night at The Impatient Theatre Company. It’s been a long time since I’ve been on the receiving end of improv in a classroom setting, and boy does it feel good to be back. I’ve taught improv to kids and I’ve played improv games, but there’s something different and almost magical about being able to develop that much more in an open and nurturing setting. I think part of what I really like is that most of my classmates aren’t “actors”, they don’t have that need to perform and be seen. Rather, they’re just honest, open people who are just as nervous on the first day as I am and are more about just being.
The mutual vulnerability is a beautiful thing.
From it comes some very honest work (as funny as it is, it’s also honest and raw to proclaim to a room full of people that you love sex, or that you love orgasms, or that you love your daughter) and to me, that is what the root of acting should always be. The truth. Not your own personal truths as you as an actor. Your character might or might not be worrying about that huge pimple on their face or whether their hair is perfect or whether you fed the dog or whether another actor on set is prettier than you are. That stuff’s all crap when you step into a role but so many of us can’t shake it off 100% of the time, myself included. Improv is so freeing from that. It takes you out of your head and makes you hungry for the truth, for those moments of honesty and those sparks of connection between you and others in the scene. It’s about those connections between people, and man, is it ever Pretty Fucking Sweet.
(And that’s why I’m so happy to be doing it, because I need it and I crave that expansion beyond myself.)

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