Posts Tagged ‘self-critique’

I used to write beautiful words.

Monday, January 21st, 2013

My last year of high school, first year of university and on a little before that… I used to blog compulsively. Daily, sometimes hourly. They still exist in the chasm of the internet if you really know where to look. I wrote love letters to nobody and everyone and specific people all at once, and I think it’s time to start that again.

I’ve been nursing my way through The Artist’s Way, for one. It’s been great at getting me to figure out some of my hangups and to get me to just fucking create stuff rather than angst about it. Still lots of things I want to develop but I’m getting better at just seizing the moment and doing things again. Like painting. Or saying “yes, and…” to synchronicity and connections that come along, rather than find reasons as to why things might fail. It’s amazing, all the shit we let ourselves get bogged down under.

One thing that’s been on my mind a lot as of late is just how important it is to approach everything in life with love and joy, rather than guilt or anger or obligation or any of that. I’ve had auditions I was angry about. I’ve had more than one occasion where I was jealous of some other actor for getting something I didn’t. Truthbomb: we ALL have. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. As a performer (especially when looking for work) there’s already so much you can’t control – like if you look ‘right’ for the part – so you might as well love the everlasting shit out of what it is that you’re doing in a given moment.

Another epiphany I had recently is how ‘small’ I allowed myself to stay for a long time. Growth is a constant, concentrated effort, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that specifically when I first moved to Toronto and the company I kept in that time (and their backstabbing and gossip and the things they filled their time with and the way they treated other people) didn’t make me feel good about myself or what I was doing, or about my relationships to other people. I got caught up in their petty bullshit and in trying to fit in and trying not to rock the boat, rather than going out and living for myself and aiming for higher aspirations and doing my own work just for the sheer joy in it all. You really are the company you keep, which is why it’s now doubly important for me to surround myself with talented, driven, passionate, positive people.

And a part of this epiphany is how many good people I had around me that I never really made an effort to get to know beyond anything superficial, and how being in a state of constant drama and turmoil with the ‘small’ people kept me from finding the simple joys in life, from spending more time in the good people’s company, in performing… fuck, I’ve wasted a lot of time, but I’m setting the intention not to tolerate that sabotaging behaviour anymore, in myself or in others. And to spend time with people who I think are awesome, to let hangouts happen organically rather than feeling like I’m begging for attention or being super-awkward when I really just want to get to know people and develop awesome friendships.

I’ll be honest, it’s only in the last month or so that I started getting excited about auditions and that I’ve noticed a concentrated yen to be positive and content where I wasn’t before. It may take a bit of time to get used to this new way of being. Same way that I’ve seen people around for the last three years but I’ve only really started to talk to them (and LISTEN, rather than just talk at) and get to know them within the last three months.

Going forward, I only want to do the most amazing work with the most amazing people. I’m not saying this to be limiting – rather, just to create a space and create a possibility to be able to spend a lot of time with excellent people rather than the wishy-washy sort who aren’t invested in themselves or others. When it comes to love, listening, time, and teamwork I’ve got unlimited capital to share.

I’ve got some more thoughts about improv, acting, and neurohacking… but that’s for another post.

And all that said… just to clarify…
1) If I offer you my time (“we should go for coffee!” “let’s work together!” whatever) I MEAN IT. I won’t offer or agree to anything I don’t genuinely want to do.
2) If I ask you about something, I’m listening. No judgment, no obligation, no expectation, no holds barred.
3) I reserve the right to add more rules of engagement as I see fit. I’m pretty low-maintenance and straightforward when it comes down to it.

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Confessions, Redux.

Thursday, March 10th, 2011

First off, more dice living is coming. I just haven’t had the post/render/upload time as of late. But they’re on their way. I’m glad to see it’s up on IMDB.

Secondly. I’ve probably said this before, but I fall in love at least twice a day with what I call “professional crushes.” I can’t help it – people who are brilliant and passionate and creative are like crack to me. And I’ve got an itch in the worst way for more, always more. I’ve probably been smitten with you, yes you reading this, at least once. Don’t worry, we’re not likely to end up sloppy drunk in bed together. Just know that you’re doing awesome things and I admire them and I admire you for it.

Lastly, this isn’t me. Well, I mean of course it’s me, but it’s not me. I don’t usually play the sexy woman or try to get by on my looks (for a variety of reasons) but I must say that it was a refreshing change to play the sexy girl and not be playing an emotionally heavy role*. On one hand, anyway. I know y’all are staring at my boobs – that’s okay, coz with that bra, I stare too. And the bonus is that with my scar, my boobs are pretty distinctive, should you be looking for them in the future.
On the other, it was a bit nerve-wracking: “does my bum look too big in this shot?” etc. Either way, if any of you like shock horror, I strongly recommend checking out Park Enforcer when it’s done. It’s a short, so post won’t be as long on it. I know I’m looking forward to seeing the end product… probably with one hand over my eyes. And see previous comment about professional crushes, because I got to work with a dream team of actors/director/producer/etc.

*I say this because thanks to a study I participated in recently about creating performances based in violence/hate/etc I have been thinking a lot about my psychological processes, the kinds of work I’m naturally drawn to, etc. Funny what subconscious things you notice about yourself and don’t realize.

Oh, and apparently James Donman lost another lawsuit. This makes me happy to hear. Congrats, CKLN.

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Me and Method Acting

Thursday, March 3rd, 2011

Sometimes I think I’m too honest, that I feel too much and tell people exactly what I think a little too often. I’ve always been a terrible liar, see, and I’ve heard more than a few times that I can be scary/intense/just plain weird. Especially when I can tap into ‘the darkness’ and turn on the tears for a scene, and then be smiling again when I hear cut.

Mostly, I’m smiling for all of your sakes so you don’t think I’m a complete basket case. See, I like the roles that are dark and disturbed because that is what I come from, that is what is hauntingly familiar. For all some of my family loves me and tried to do right by me, my mother’s husband is an abusive fucker and to say I did not have a happy childhood is probably a gross understatement. It takes work for me to be a fucking Pollyanna social butterfly sometimes.

So, long story short, I’ve spent the last week preparing a piece from 4.48 Psychosis for an important audition. For those of you who don’t know, it was Sarah Kane’s last work before she killed herself. It’s about depression and suicide, and it’s hard not to tap into all of those rich, vivid, negative as hell emotions. It’s hard to remember there’s any love there when the urge that comes to the surface is to do extreme violence to yourself or others, and to feel like everyone is out to get you somehow. Either way it’s got to end and it’s not going to be pretty.

So in other words, if I’ve seemed distant and combative and scattered, that’s why. I wish I could just shelve it and move on, but it always takes me a bit to come back out of – there’s too much history there for it to be comfortable or casual. I could use a few extra hugs/drinks/chocolate this week.

There will be more dice next week, and hopefully I will be back to being chipper once I remember the world is not out to end me.

Also, if you’re around the GTA, check out Rock The Wave this Friday. Great event, and I am glad to be donating some photography gift certificates for a substantial discount on my rates.

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A Deep, Dark Confession…

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2011

It’s kind of weird to be your own self-sufficient and meta-observing guinea pig.

One thing I’ve found to be difficult so far is to keep coming up with things that are interesting and stimulating for both me and all of you, yet nothing too illegal/things I can’t talk about publicly. See, most people turn to dice living as a reason to do things they would not normally do, but the excuse of “the dice made me do it” doesn’t often apply to me. I have no problem indulging in behaviours that are risky to downright dangerous and foolhardy all on my own. Excuse me while I get into some neuro-scientific babble for a moment.

See, there’s a theory put forward that some people are born with a criminal gene. Most notably, it has been extensively researched by a neuroscientist named James Fallon, whose family tree included both the founder of Cornell University and Lizzie Borden. (Want to read up on it? Here is the link..)

Bottom line? It would seriously surprise me if I lacked that gene. I’m about as impulsive as they come. For those fellow geeks out there, I often describe my D&D alignment as chaotic neutral. I’m not likely to screw anyone over or get violent on your ass – not without just cause, anyway. Treat me right, I will go to the moon and back for you and think nothing of it, but fuck with me or fuck with people I care about, and five or ten years from now when you least expect it, a WMD is gonna drop on your head. If I decide to be nice enough to wait that long.

A lot of brilliant artists are crazy, and I suppose I’m no exception. This too is why I think I’m so drawn to playing roles in horror films. I like the twisted, the dark, the challenging and terrifying. And this is probably why I’ve been playing safe with the dice. Because just like Luke Rhinehart, I know what sort of dark and twisted places and things I could find myself into and doing, given half the chance.

The people who know me best say that it’s the thing they love and hate most about me, how much of a force of nature I am. And admittedly, I wouldn’t change it for the world… but I do often keep it subdued for the sake of y’all. No, seriously. I can play a normal person on TV, if you will, but if I didn’t have those grounding forces in my life the world would be in trouble. I didn’t have the greatest childhood (to say the least) but my relative stability now precludes anything too insane that I might be otherwise tempted to do. And hell, that’s probably why I’m so drawn to being an actor – it’s an unstable career at best with enough changes and new things happening to keep my brain occupied and my id distracted.

But that said, for those of you who wanted risk… I think today’s dice challenge is a good start…

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Fear and Loathing

Saturday, February 5th, 2011

I am probably the furthest thing from a singer you could imagine, these days. Way the hell back when (you know, before my metaphorical testicles dropped and I was about half the height I am now) I used to be able to nail the aria from Phantom. These days, it’s mostly The Yeah Yeah Yeahs on Rock Band if anything.
I am not quite at the “skinning cats” screeching level, though I have two ‘ranges’ and a whole bunch of notes that go missing in between those two ranges. And when I’m sharp, I’m sharp, and I don’t mean in the witty comeback sort of way.

So nobody’s more surprised than me that I actually bothered with a music video for this week’s BOOB Show. Mostly, that I ponied up and actually sang and am actually putting this out to the world.
At least the lyrics are reasonably witty. And there’s a partially shirtless Frenchman in the video. ;p

Also, I probably shouldn’t open my mouth on this but now that it’s public news… yeah. The company that tried to sue me and caused me some serious strife, Frozen North Productions, is being shut down entirely. To some extent, I actually feel bad, because when I’m put in situations where I need to fight back my damage radius often extends to innocents, often without my intending it to, because I get pretty big and bad when I get my back up.

I will say that some people there didn’t deserve to lose their jobs, so for that I’m sorry to hear that news. Hopefully new opportunities will come their way soon… but for those who decided to harass and attack both me and my charity work, hopefully they learned a valuable lesson. I don’t tolerate fools well, but anyone who knows me knows that I give as good as I get. And it’s just a matter of “the greater the darkness, the greater the light”, so to speak. Yeah, I’m borrowing a quote from a video game. So sue me. ;p

But don’t really. I’d rather be working on scripts, or on prep for some of the projects I’ve got coming up soon. Which I will post about when I can, I promise.

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Good Things Come in… twos?

Wednesday, June 2nd, 2010

In theory, anyway. I’ve attended two big events where I’ve met lots of new people, am taking two awesome classes, and get about two hours sleep a night. (Totally joking on the last one, though sometimes it feels like it.)

To start where we left off, I attended a convention in Cleveland in mid-April, Notacon 7, where I was invited to talk about doing independent film-making. Notacon is an arts and technology conference, and there was a great combination of people who were passionate and driven to explore a number of unique avenues – things like using LED circuits in clothing design, anti-forensics, how to survive a zombie apocalypse… basically, anything and everything you could think of.
Part of what made the weekend so great was that all of the speakers had different areas of expertise and interest. While I love spending time with other film/theatre/actor types, it’s also refreshing to have creative, passionate people around who are experts in different subjects. Where else would I be able to practice my lock-picking skills, after all? ;)

One of the best things to come out of the weekend was the suggestion that I should turn my speech into an ebook, which is something I’d never thought of before. When you’re frequently in front of the camera (or auditioning so you can keep working), it’s sometimes harder than it should be to get into a “business” frame of mind and think about the behind the scenes aspects – but I am challenging myself to do exactly that.

Soooo…. I will be releasing the first copies of From Page to Screen, and Everything in Between at the beginning of July. I am looking at a price of somewhere around $5 – $10, basically keeping it reasonable and affordable, but still acknowledging that I’ve put a lot of work and expertise into it. Stay tuned for more!

The second event I was at was Anime North, just this past weekend, to promote Flip’s Twisted World, which is a video game I did voice work for. We had a great turnout of friends and fans, and everyone seemed to really enjoy the sneak peek. (It’s not due out until September, btw, but check it out when it does come out!)
Back a million or so years ago (alright, ten years, give or take) my friends and I used to attend Anime North, and dress up as all the characters from Sailor Moon… so there was a bit of a sense of nostalgia there too. It was great to see all the new and different costumes that people were doing and to get to know them over the course of the weekend. Being on the other side of things – where you’re getting photographed because you’re behind a table, rather than walking around in a cute costume – was a great experience, and part of the reason I enjoy doing promotional work at conventions is because of all the people you meet. One of my favourites was a little boy dressed up as Avatar the Last Airbender… and boy, did his face light up when I gave him a button.
In about a week or so, there should be video coverage up from Anime North, and I’ll be sure to link to that when it’s up.

In acting news, I’ll be filming a feature this month called Stiffs on the Green, which is a dark comedy about golf. Shooting ramps up mid-June, so I’m getting prepared for that and am pretty stoked for what’s in store. I can’t give away too much yet… but expect photos from set whenever I can.

In terms of classes, I’m continuing my improv classes with Impatient here in TO. The first level finished mid-May, and now we’re diving more into the game of the scene. It’s a great opportunity to practice my longform work, and I’m looking forward to continuing the training as long as I can. I love any chance I can get to push myself to be that much sharper, wittier, observant, and direct, and it seems to be paying off.

As for the second class I mentioned, I’m doing acting training with Juli-Ann Kay. What a lot of people don’t seem to realize is that as an actor, you are never done. You are never perfect, you’ve never mastered everything there is to master. Which is why ongoing training is so important for development.
I just had my first class on Saturday, but from what I can see, I am going to benefit hugely from the work. She’s encouraging honesty and directness, which is something a lot of people have trouble with, myself included. It’s easier to skirt around things, to say “um” and not have an opinion, or to never answer a question outright or face your fears head on. I’m looking forward to being pushed.

Lastly, I’ve discovered what I hope will be a new, exciting, and fruitful gym routine, partly thanks to one of my new friends from Notacon. I’ve been doing a fair bit of reading on paeleo/primal eating and exercising, and am incorporating Tabata sprints into my workout. Just tried my first ones last night so in a month or so from now, we’ll see how effective they actually are.

Hope you all are having a great summer so far – I’m loving Toronto in the warm weather!

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… in which I am up late and thinking. And swearing a fair bit.

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

I’ve been doing a fair bit of thinking about this whole acting business, inspired in part by an old interview article from when I was still in Windsor (with a fairly horrible photo of me, I don’t look a thing like I do now! Maybe I’ll scan it for fun and your amusement) where I said: “I don’t want to be famous because I have breasts and a size 2 waist and can recite Shakespeare.”
Here’s my deal – I fucking need to create. That’s what it comes down to. I need to be immersed in that creative process, and to have worthwhile projects. I do my best work when:
a) I connect with the work, and
b) when it’s someone else’s project that I can help to push forward into success.

I don’t know exactly what/why it is yet, but I am absolute crap at promoting myself, but when it comes down to promoting group projects or someone else’s work I’ve had some sort of hand in, I’m fucking eloquent and shiny and awesome. Like with stuff Craig’s done – I saw emotions and honesty in the work that I connected to, and I started rooting for him. That’s a big part of the reason why I’m so immersed in ASSF – there was a lot worth connecting to and a lot worth dragging into the public eye. But, let’s cover things in order.

a) What I connect best to.
The “darker” emotions and characters. Madness. Loss. Grief. Sorrow. Uphill battles. Beautiful sadnesses. Quirky aesthetics. Danger. Forbidden loves.
Sure, fuck, I can play comedy. I can play the girl next door. But, unlike people who have had it “easy”, I can connect far better with these sorts of characters, the troubled and broken and terrifying ones. I keep telling people to challenge me with roles, because I want to see who can mould me, who can break me, and who’s too cowardly to do anything more than skim the surface. Because when you bring your brand new key, I’ve got a brand new pair of rollerskates… and then we’ll both be flying.
Right now… instead of getting the 1/10 (or more) characters I used to when I would audition for parts I felt connected to, I’ve been getting 1/20, or 1/30, or generally fewer… and I think that’s because I’m pushing myself to audition for more roles that “just anyone” could end up playing. I think people can tell I’m not 100% into what I’m doing, for whatever reason that may be, and that’s negatively impacting my “performances”. Nerves have been creeping back in, I’ve been slipping back into my head… and it’s unpleasant backsliding all around. I think I’m also feeling “out of practice” when it comes to internalizing and understanding directions; the audition material I’ve been using are pieces I’ve done 100 times now, and I’m fucking phoning it in at times without meaning to. Yeah, I need some new monologues, and to kick my own ass back in a more positive direction, where I can better take direction. :P
& if anyone else wants in on the kicking my ass into shape, the line starts here. I’d welcome it.

b) Creating with others.
Ideally, for me, I would be working on a ton of projects constantly, with people I call friends. And, despite being busy, I really do like making new friends.
More accurately, I like working on projects with people that I consider “family”, to whatever degree they actually are, despite how long we’ve known each other. When I’m in a production or on set or whatever, I fucking give it my all and will pitch in wherever I can. Yeah, I need and bleed to be on stage or on camera, because that’s when I feel most alive and that’s how I feel I bring the most life to whatever story’s being told. (And yeah, I do want the occasional “wow you fucking nailed that scene” from people on set, and to somehow stir the general audience when they see the finished work). But outside of the acting I will build props and costumes, write scripts, make costumes, design the set, schedule the 100 people involved in the production… whatever someone needs, I’ll step in as much as I can. And when I’m involved in whatever project, I want to see other people just as happy or even happier than I am. Yeah, sometimes I’m going to have my selfish/jealous/insecure/irrational/whatever moments, of wondering why that person gets the lead role instead of me, or why that person lucked out in the looks department and is way the hell prettier/skinnier than I am, and sometimes I’ll just be tired and bitchy and say things in the wrong tone – but fuck, I’m only human, and going to not be perfect. At the end of the day, though, I want the absolute best for everyone; I’m honest and blunt enough that unless I tell you to your face “I think you’re an asshole and don’t ever want to see you”, assume that I love the stuffing out of you. Tangentally, I remember awhile ago when someone I know mentioned that they thought they’d never be able to do a mainstage show in the theatre they wanted to… and since then, I’d been quietly rooting for them. They were wrong, happily… and it’s sometimes a hell of a lot easier to wait patiently or see in than it is to see out when you’re frustrated and not getting roles and all of that nonsense.
Anyway. I’m still working on pinpointing why I’m much more lazy when it’s something for me vs something that other people are depending on me for… but I am lazy and often self-sabotaging whenever it’s something for me alone. Working on fixing that one too… but yeah. I think a big part of why I like to be involved and creating with people (especially people I already know and care about) is because it’s a good way to share time and love with them. (Yeah, that sounds cheesy as hell, but I’m leaving that sentence in.) It’s a way to support each other and, you know, “with our powers combined…” That sort of thing. Achieving something together that we wouldn’t be able to do on our own; art isn’t created in a vaccuum.
That said, with the audition process, and the in and out within 5 minutes… generally, I don’t give a flying fuck about what strangers think of me. I sometimes even take my friends and lovers for granted. I’m not going to lie, acceptance and validation and being chosen are fucking nice… but I don’t need any of that shit from strangers at the end of the day. I need it from myself, and I need to keep creating regardless of if or who my audience is, or if it’s getting me more IMDB credits or if the money’s good, or any of that. (Money would be nice too, don’t get me wrong. I want to travel and for that I need some sort of way of paying for flights and food and camera equipment so I can photograph everything I see…)

But yeah, this is where my head and heart are at right now. Who wants to do some fucking art with me? We’ll make it up as we go along and dance around naked at 4 am and it will be fucking awesome. <3

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