Archive for the ‘advocacy’ Category

You Don’t Want To Read This Blog.

Saturday, April 13th, 2013

Guys, I’ve had fucking enough.

Two. Two suicides recently of teenage girls who have suffered unspeakable things. Worse than that, in trying to move through what happened to them, their communities around them let them down in unspeakable ways by questioning, blaming, and dismissing what happened to them. I don’t even have words to describe what they likely went through – and even if I did, most people would not understand.
These events followed another widely-publicized suicide last year of a victim of extreme bullying. And these are only the few that we know of. How many more have died silently without anyone in the media taking notice?

Let me tell you something about suicide and self-harm from someone’s who been there and has learned to quiet – not silence, but calm and lull into submission – the urges. At the core, any serious self-harm is an outlet: for feelings, for sorrow, for emptiness and darkness, for loneliness, for fear, for that unshakeable lump in your throat… for anything so intense that it can’t be put into words, and even if there were words there’s a huge risk of being misunderstood. Of being abused again. Of being marginalized, isolated, and judged. The embarassment and trauma of being labeled a self-harmer and/or being put away in a psych ward is often worse than the original behaviour.

Anne Sexton calls the desire to harm or kill oneself “the most unnameable lust”, and that is probably the most accurate description I have ever heard. It’s not a natural lust, it’s a learned one. The learning comes from trauma and abuse, whether mental or physical or both. Sometimes genetics are a factor, admittedly, but they’re not the only factor. Without going into the hard science of it, suffice to say that a serious trauma (such as a rape) combined with increased bullying is going to overload the brain, especially when allies are few and far between. Like a puppy separated from its family and kicked repeatedly, chemically speaking someone in that situation would be nearly devoid of any of the “good” chemicals, and have ones like adrenaline and cortisol flooding in. And logically, that’s going to trigger extreme behaviours.

Most people can’t understand why others commit suicide, because they’ve never had that special brain cocktail. And I pray to whatever higher power may be listening that those people never experience extreme trauma and that suicide doesn’t become even more of an epidemic than it already is. (Which is not to say that I don’t agree with assisted suicide in cases like terminal illness. But that’s a whole other discussion.) My point is that those girls – and certainly countless others – were so isolated, so abused, so shamed, so vulnerable, and in so much pain that death was their only option to make all of the voices stop. I understand how the urge to die works, because I have fucking been there. I’ve been through enough trauma that I’ve kept my back pressed to the wall and legs glued to the floor as I stared down subway trains… but at the end of the day, I’m not good at quitting, and apparently that extends to quitting life. So, in that respect, I guess I’m lucky.

They say that suicides are either under- or over- stated. Hanging oneself at home, or anything done in private, is an understatement. Anything that happens publicly where many others are likely to be impacted is an overstatement. One thing I’m sick of hearing is that suicide is a selfish act. It may be selfish, but the hard truth is that we as a society have become so selfish that we don’t seem to notice or care when someone else is struggling. Like a pack of animals we think only of tearing down the weak and vying for alpha leadership.

And I’m done. I’m done with being selfish and with letting this happen to young women. Done with letting young men believe that rape and death are acceptable to inflict on anyone. This goes both ways; recently in my city, a young man was raped by four women. I find this just as appalling and I hope those women are caught. Here’s the thing though – punishment and fear are just going to lead to more of the same. And I’m fucking tired of our society being caught in a broken loop where we create broken people.

So, I’m starting something new: set-me-free.org (it’s currently in development). I believe we can be free of rape culture, free of abuse, free of bullying, free of gender issues, free of eating disorders, free of the desire to harm ourselves. I need to let those suffering out there know that they are not alone. And I need your help. I’m running an Indiegogo Campaign to get the site up and running and to start reaching out to schools and social networking sites to build partnerships. Please help spread the word; share this blog post if you want. I don’t want anyone else to follow the siren call of “that unnameable lust.”

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An Open Call for Documentary Participants

Tuesday, July 24th, 2012

Dear friends and fans: this is a call to action.

Given my recent experience with being wrongfully arrested for reporting domestic violence, I have decided to apply Neil Gaiman’s Make Good Art to the situation: I’m doing a full-length documentary about police misconduct.

Obviously, I am just starting pre-production… and this is where YOU come in. I am looking for people who want to tell their stories. Civilians, ex-police, those still in active service: anyone and everyone who has witnessed or survived police misconduct in any form. I plan to do most filming in and around Toronto, but am also willing to travel should the opportunity arise.

I will be using this blog post to answer any questions regarding the project, and I would very much appreciate this post being shared. For interested participants, please email production@emilyschooley.com a 500 word (maximum) summary of your story.

Thanks in advance. I’m looking forward to making this happen.

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Why I’m an Actorvist now… (or, to hell and back.)

Thursday, May 31st, 2012

Remember how when we were little that we were taught to go to a policeman if we were in trouble? That we could count on them for help and protection? As an adult who gets paid to pretend for a living, I just can’t buy into that anymore.

Those of you who’ve followed my blog for awhile have seen all sorts of ups and downs from me, and a good few posts about domestic violence and my own brush with it. How and why to get out of those dangerous situations. What I’ve been public about – until now – is only the tip of the iceberg of my recent ordeal.

I’ve already gone over how my ex, Declan, held me by the throat and made me beg to be let go, how he sliced open my arm with a pocketknife and that I’m permanetly physically scarred from that. How I tried to report him to the police and the officer I spoke with was apathetic to my suffering and chose not to believe me. I’ve told a lot of people about this. I have evidence and witnesses to prove that he’s done these things. I’ve suffered panic attacks and post-traumatic stress disorder from the way I was treated. And I thought I was over all that, finally.

I thought I was over all that until my ex found out that I was engaged to my wonderful fiance, and began to ramp up the harassment once more. Disgusted with his behaviour, I spoke to a lawyer who pointed me to a Justice of the Peace, who told me how to lay a private information. I was thrilled to have someone who was able to see the truth, and who was willing to help me press charges against my abusive ex. Silly me, I thought justice may actually be fair and right after all.

I was so very wrong. Our current justice system is SO skewed that I was ARRESTED – yes, arrested – for reporting the domestic violence I survived. I was arrested by Detective Leslie Morris of 22 Division of the Toronto Police Services, the same officer who didn’t believe me when I’d first tried to report my ex over a year ago. I saw her show up at court and act very amicably with my ex prior to everything happening, and at the time I wondered why she was there. I found out soon enough. The real kicker is that I was arrested at the courthouse when I was supposed to provide evidence against my ex, and the way in which she arrested me prevented me from doing so.

Further to that, despite me having no prior criminal record, I was held overnight for a bail hearing. I was also fingerprinted, photographed, and strip-searched. It was February when I was arrested, and the police took my coat, shoes, and bra – leaving me freezing in a cell with only a thin sweater, skirt, and stockings. Needless to say, the way in which I was arrested and treated, and Detective Morris’ comment of “I told you I’d arrest you if you kept speaking out” made the PTSD and panic attacks re-emerge, hardcore. I had such a bad panic attack while being held in jail that I passed out and hit my head off the floor. Despite repeated calls for help, I believe I was left for about a half-hour without anyone checking in on me. Finally, someone called an ambulance, but the panic attacks have continued for the past three months again.

The one ‘upside’ to being arrested is that you get what’s called disclosure when you go to court – you get to see what the other party is saying about you if you’ve been charged with a crime. What I saw from Detective Morris was that despite me describing to her in detail about being choked, she didn’t mention it in her police report. Not even once. What I saw was that she provided a very unflattering and untrue summary of everything that had gone on, and that her report and documentation were full of inconsistencies and errors. But of course, the police uphold the law so they must be telling the truth, right? Just like people who deny major events like the Holocaust – as bad as something is, if they say it didn’t happen it must not have. Riiiiiight.

Anyway. As of today, the Crown has agreed to withdraw the case if I do some community service. As a favour to myself and other taxpayers, I have decided to take them up on their offer. Why? I could continue to fight this through court just to prove that I am honest and have been telling the truth all along, or I could move the hell on with my life, continue to do great acting work, and start enjoying life again. I am quite certain that I would win if I did insist on this going to trial, but with how flawed our system is, the extra effort’s not even worth it. Nor are the lawyer fees. I’ve defended myself all through this process, including getting withdrawn two peace bond applications filled with false information against me (one from my ex, and one from Liana Kerzner, a friend of my ex’s), and thus far, telling the truth has served me well enough. Besides, I’d be spending those hours anyway, and I’d rather they benefit someone else than just be wasted.

With how much I’ve learned about the system, I’d rather just pass my knowledge on to others so they hopefully have less abrasive encounters with dishonest cops and/or abusive partners. It’s what’s made me such a staunch actorvist the past little while – life is NOT fair, and the good people often get screwed over because the people supposed to be ‘protecting us’ can’t or won’t pursue those actually in the wrong. (Anyone who knows me knows that it’s in my nature to help people anyway, so I may as well get some credit for it. ;p)

My story is by far NOT the only one. Recently in Toronto, a rookie cop doing the right thing by arresting an impaired driver was harassed by other officers – because the person he arrested was a fellow officer. Or look at Byron Sonne, who spent ELEVEN months in jail for his honest curiousity. There’s a million stories of police misconduct out there, and I think it’s time the public hold the police truly accountable for their actions.

As for what I’ve learned? It’s kind of scary, but I hope it’ll help someone else out. Some of this applies to Ontario, Canada, specifically, so please do due reasearch into the laws in your area.
1) If you are ever searched by police without a warrant, make it loudly known that you do not consent to the search but that you will not impede them. This is one of many steps in learning your rights.
2) Any person who believes a crime has been done has the right to speak to a Justice of the Peace and file what’s called a private information. The Criminal Code is available online.
3) If you find yourself in a domestic violence situation – don’t wait, don’t hesitate, don’t try and protect the other person. Report what’s happened to you IN DETAIL as soon as it happens. Don’t skip on details. Write everything down so that you can refer back to it later. Keep a log of everything that happens.
4) You can’t count on anyone else to help you or for anyone else to be invested in your outcome. Not witnesses, not factual physical evidence, nothing. So much can be brushed over or skewed, even when you are telling the truth. If you do hire a lawyer for your situation, take the time to write them out a detailed timeline of events so that they at least have a record of everything that’s gone on. So many lawyers are unprepared and/or apathetic.
5) Conduct in court: come dressed professionally, and be polite. You’d be surprised at how many people overlook this. Essentially, you are playing in the big-kid sandbox, and if you don’t play by their rules, they are not going to be very nice to you.
6) If you’ve been charged with a crime, you have the right to request further evidence against you if you believe there may be anything else.
7) If you are trying to report domestic violence, most courthouses should have a program called Victim-Witness Assistance. Again, don’t wait – get in there right away. If you are charged with a crime and cannot afford a lawyer, court houses also have Duty Counsel who can provide you with basic legal advice. They are often overloaded and underpaid.
8) The criminal justice system is like a cliquey club – they have certain language they use and protocols they follow that seem meant to be confusing for the average person. Acronyms like JPT (judicial pre-trial) and OIC (Officer in Charge), for example. The good news is that Google is your friend, and most lawyers offer a free consultation. Gather your questions and do your research. You DO have the capacity to learn these things. Again, read the Criminal Code. There’s also bodies of rules pertaining to how police must behave, for example, as well as the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms.
9) Being arrested and charged is NOT the end of the world – they just want you to feel like it is. So much of police and court process is about intimidation, which is why sometimes people get physically beaten when they are not talking and giving police the answers they want to hear.
10) Stick to the facts. As much as you are going to have emotional involvement in what’s happening to you, you will be taken more seriously if you can be relatively objective about everything. A lot of people make the mistake of publicly saying that the police were “out to get them”, etc – whether or not it’s true, prove the hows and whys. Judges also don’t want to hear people ramble on; the more definitive answers you can give, the better. Yes, No, I saw, This happened, etc.
11) The scariest is that the police have an internal records-management system that the public has no access to whatsoever. They can write whatever they want to in there. I’m sure they have a novel or two about me by now, with all these things that I’ve “done”. A little 1984, anyone?

(I just realized this turned into a Ten Things post, so I’m going to stop at eleven for now. ;p)

Anyway. I feel like I’ve been to hell and back with everything I’ve gone through, but point of fact is that I refuse to see myself as a victim – not of domestic violence, not of police misconduct, nothing. I am a fucking SURVIVOR, and I am going to turn this whole shitstorm of bad experiences and getting caught up with bad people into some amazing art and some amazing profit for myself.

Any news outlets who want to cover this story – I welcome the chance. You can contact me at emily dot schooley at gmail dot com. I applaud any of you who’ve actually read this mini-essay, btw. I’ve had a lot to say about this for a long time and I am glad to be at a place where I can talk publicly about my experience with being arrested for reporting domestic violence.

Oh and PS: I guess I’m a ‘real’ celebrity now, now that I’ve been arrested. You’re welcome for the sarcasm.

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KONY 2012, and why you should care.

Wednesday, March 7th, 2012

I want you all to take a half-hour out of your life and watch that above video. Not because you’re going to get cool points, but because we as human beings are dangerously close to self-imploding as a species. Our technologies are changing faster than we can keep up with them and there is so much pressure from the mass media to keep up with the Joneses that we are completely blinded to what’s going on outside of our own tiny little bubbles. There’s a whole world out there beyond our iPods and hybrid cars.

I’ve said this before: as an actor, as a creator, as a filmmaker… it is my job to make people think. It’s my job to stir up catharsis and feelings, and in some cases remind people that they need to feel, period. The way we “interact” now, in 140 character updates and through text messages is bringing us dangerously close to a global disconnect. We’re so easily distracted by the next status update or other shiny thing that comes along that we overlook atrocities; friends and strangers suffering in pain get lost in the overwhelming bombardment of too many things to pay attention to.

Don’t get me wrong – our new ways of interacting and sharing news can be fantastic. Take this campaign, for example. Several years ago they were told that it would be “impossible”, and now through an increased awareness steps have been taken to find and take down Kony because more people are adding their voice to a call for action.

The issue here is that we can’t forget. We have to keep caring and not let ourselves be swayed by a new video game or product-named-after-a-fruit. We have to stand together, not only to ask for change but to take actions ourselves in whatever way we can, whether it’s donating money, travelling to provide aid, creating documentaries and bringing issues to public awareness… wherever our talents may lay, we MUST use them not selfishly but to help others as much as we help ourselves.

Recently, I went through something fairly traumatic that has caused me to relapse into having wicked insomnia and panic attacks, along with some PTSD symptoms. That is NOTHING compared to being forced to kill your own parents, to have to maim and mutilate others, to being forcibly raped over and over. I know how good I have it, how good we all have it; in comparison, I don’t even want to talk about my experiences because I’ve always been safe, I’ve always had a roof over my head and food in my stomach. As educated, reasonably wealthy (on a financial scale), first world citizens most of us have never had to beg for food, let alone experience any of the above. We don’t have the screams of the dying echoing in our heads. As children, we never feared abduction or wished for death because it would be easier than living in constant terror.

With our priviledge comes a responsibility to aid those suffering. Victims of Kony, victims of police brutality, victims of female castration and honour killings, victims of circumstance that leave them homeless and hungry and exposed to the elements no matter where they are in the world. Imagine how they’ve suffered, and immerse yourself in it. Empathize until the tears stream down your face, and know that what you’re feeling for them is only a fraction of the daily hell they’re facing.

Once you’ve swallowed all that, push yourself beyond what you think you’re capable of to help. It’s the only way we’re going to stop monsters like Kony and make this planet better instead of worse. There’s so many worthy causes out there. You owe it to yourself as much as you owe it to them to get off Twitter and Facebook and go out into the world and take action.

The question is not “can I?” but “how will I?”

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Well-behaved women seldom make history.

Tuesday, February 28th, 2012

KPR headshot

Thanks to Kevin Patrick Robbins Photography for this fun shot.

2012 has been a fast-paced year for me and it’s barely started. We’re less than three months in and I’ve already had more acting work in these two months than I had last year at this time, so I consider that an improvement both in terms of my own career as well as a good sign for the industry. (Yes, I know, I really need to update my main page on my website!) There’s been a fun indie feature film, a commercial shoot, the start of an ongoing photography project, a film AND theatre project out of Hamilton, an anti-drug PSA, another feature horror film from an up-and-coming studio… plus a few other little gigs, my regular improv shenanigans, some exciting news I can’t share yet, and for the most part a lot of good new people I’ve met. Here’s a few:

*Christopher at Re-Reading is an amazing, friendly, generous, intelligent, and grounded fellow. His store is full of goodies and unexpected finds, and I anticipate many further afternoons there. (Also: I’m currently soliciting short film script ideas that are set in a bookstore, with the idea of filming something there soon.) I can’t say enough good things about Chris or his store. I even happened to meet Rick Mercer by chance while I was there this afternoon!

*My cast family for Confidence Tricks: Us motley crew of folks first sat down together for a meet and greet in a Tim Hortons a couple of months back and have been rocking out ever since. We’re into the last two weeks of a fundraiser to get some money toward the project… we’re 4/5 of the way there and would love if you helped make it happen.

*Judith and Viktor Tinkl own an amazing gallery/century school house converted into a home outside of Uxbridge. I was lucky enough to be involved in a photoshoot that utilized their property. Aside from the refreshing opportunity to escape the city for a day, meeting them was the highlight of my week if not the year to date. Their diverse and unique art that covers walls and lawns and barns is something I could spend a week wandering through and still find new work to appreciate… not to mention that they are some of the most refreshing people I have ever met. When we arrived to shoot we were greeted with a delicious quiche lunch and several purring cats, and we spent a fair bit of time just talking, aside from the photography project work. That’s what I want to do: get old and retire to the country and just be happy. There was a real sense of comfort, love and joy there and I would love to share their treasure with the world. Go and visit them, you won’t be disappointed.

In my own work, I have just a week (seven days) left in my dice living episodes. I started the project February 16, 2011, and am going to wrap it up by March 16, 2012. A year and ahttp://emilyschooley.com/blog/wp-admin/post-new.php month. Several of the last episodes will be Fate By Fans Fridays, but there’s a few free days still and I welcome seeing where the dice take me.

In other other news, recent life events have turned me into even more of an actorvist than I was before. I now have an idea brewing for a feature-length investigative journalist documentary that I’d like to pursue. Through dealing with an exceptionally difficult situation involving my abusive ex, the more I see of the Canadian justice system the more I realize that there are so many flaws and crevices that vulnerable groups fall through – which, instead of helping these people, the justice system often ends up putting these people at more risk when these flaws are ignored or exploited by people who are dishonest. Don’t get me wrong: I applaud the honest, discerning individuals who work at all levels to keep our country safe. But as with all people, power can corrupt, and absolute power can corrupt absolutely. All it takes for evil to succeed is for good people to do nothing.

Then again, all the cool celebrities these days are getting arrested, and I’m not talking things like drunk driving or drug posession. Lucy Lawless just got arrested for protesting oil drilling, for one. I applaud her for standing up so vehemently for her beliefs, and for the protection of resources and animals that can’t speak for themselves.

After finishing theatre school, I never thought I’d end up here – with a desire to produce and compile and interview and expose and change things for the better. But really, what are we as actors, other than a somewhat-fictionalized commentary on the human condition, for better or for worse? I like this new development, as strange and unexpected as it is, and I’m excited to see where I can go with it. I feel like it’s an opportunity to offer more to the world than just my abilities as a performer.

Before I sign off for the night, the one reality I do wish I could correct is the idiotic notion that actors are “unemployed”. Most of the actors I know do work a second and sometimes a third job to ensure they can do what they love. The few that suffer through on only their acting paycheques – like me – can tell you that it’s not easy. Sure, we “make a living” but that living is often rife with “no, I have rehearsal” or “I don’t think I can afford that right now, sorry.” Still, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

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